2 Nov 2006 - The Departed

OPM*

Presents – The De(e)part Ed(itorial)

Hello Boys! Here is a poser.
Between you and me, how many times have we gone to a fancy Italian restaurant and felt like absolute Neanderthals while the women in our lives ordered, very authoritatively, a completely indecipherable dinner, which looked like this:

Salad – Caesars Salad (But Caesar is ancient Roman history, you thought!)
Side dish – Avocado with something balsamic (which you guess is a new Scandinavian country)
Pasta - Black pepper fettuccine for Her and Angel hair pasta penne primavera for You (the pasta is always mind boggling and between the penne and the spaghetti you are sure its curtains for Sergio Leone curry westerns and Angel hair in your food. Also you are pretty sure now that Fibonacci and Muesli are pasta variants)

Yes, so between you and me, how many times have you felt like Early Man when you visited an Italian Restaurant? I’ve felt like that every time! Which means, even if you haven’t felt that way, atleast one out of every two men have felt like Early Man. Agreed it is very small sample size, you statistically inclined Nay Sayers! On another note, it should be noted that statistics were invented by men, most likely Early Men (who were, of course, the first breed of superhero), to tell lies convincingly.
Sample Early Conversation:

Early Man 1 – I got that tyranonoses with one hit to its nose.
Early Man 2 – That is because on 12th Marchinoiry (the Roman calendar hadn’t been invented yet. Neither had the Romans) at 5.43 pm I performed a choke slam on it. It was obviously weakened by that encounter. That was the same night I choke slammed 84 Trachiblockednoses and 14 Leakynoseblowers. It is well documented.
Early Woman – Come eat the wonderful pasta I just made.
Early Men – huh??!!?

Yes. So men have been struggling with understanding Italian food for ages. This week ‘The Departed’ by that fantastically fast and furious director Martin ScorCC (easily better than the Yamaha 125 CC) documents these struggles in modern day Boston.
Based on the 2002 Hong Kong movie, Infernal Affairs, ScorCC accelerates the story to suit Western audiences. Infernal Affairs was loosely about, sex in the kitchen, described by a restaurant owner Chow Chow Toh Yun Fat Hotahai. Chow Chow would famously say “Those Infernal Affairs in the Kitchen” each time someone complained of less Munch in their Manchurian or suo moto usage of aginomoto in their food.

In ScorCC’s movie the action starts in Downtown Boston at the offices of The DeepArt Editorial, a monthly Fine Arts magazine, run by two gourmet chefs turned recipe publishers. Leo and Matt (played by Leo DiCaprio and Matt Damon) are pretty riled with everyone in Boston as the DeepArt Editorial is selling only a handful of copies. Worse is that though the articles on painting and sculpture have got fan mail their Italian Recipes are not being appreciated.
They meet a marketing professional Madolyn (Vera Farmiga), who, after segmenting the market, tells them that the best bet would be to target the Mafiosi in Boston as they are all Italian. After some deep mining she finds out that the most discerning connoisseur of Italian food in Boston is the mob boss Jackie Boy (Jack Nicholson). Jackie Boy regularly bumps off waiters for making him wait and usually achieves this by dining at Boston’s best Italian joints (no connection with marijuana).
Leo and Matt are convinced by Madolyn’s analysis and can’t get their eyes off her legs because she has really long legs that extend to the South Pole, especially in a photograph taken at the South Pole. As soon as Madolyn realizes their primal interest in her she walks away really fast (helped along by her long legs that ensure she wins the Boston Marathon the following year)
Consequently, Leo and Matt make an appointment with Jackie Boy, who in turn promises to increase their papers circulation within their TG of gangsters.
Now, Jackie Boy is a respected don as he is the only one who knows what to order at Italian restaurants. This is because it has been several generations since the first Italian people broke ship at America and with cross-pollination in large numbers (especially among varieties of Italian flora) it has become tough on gangsters to keep their Italian heritage. Jackie Boy cannot fight these socio-economic challenges though he throws a big Boston Tea Party and is forced to admit failure to Leo and Matt.
Leo and Matt, who have been stewing in their own gravy (a small kitchen accident), do not take this news well and join forces to become Leo Matt El Inc, which goes on to toy with Jackie Boys’ pasta every time he orders one.
Jackie Boy is frustrated as his penne is served with shredded cheese and his Zucchini is always an Italian called Zucchini who proceeds to sing him an Operetta called ‘Ri’ in sotto voice.
Jackie Boy surrenders to Marky Mark and Alec Baldwin, who play conmen disguised as coppers, since he maintains that jail cuisine is better than badly made Italian food. The conmen proceed to retire on the money that the mob boss pays them every week to avoid eating badly made Italian cuisine, by investing in a mock jailhouse for their SIP (Silly Italian Person not Systematic Investment Plan).
Watch this movie today, if you empathise with Italian gourmet challenges! Also, today’s question:

Why didn’t the good boy ever eat the Ganache tart for dessert?



* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.

Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.

**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release