16 Nov 2006 - Casino Royale

OPM*
Presents – Casino Royale (OR) I’m a big Bond fan


The Cold War, Wikipedia informs me, was the protracted ideological, and economic struggle that emerged after World War II between the United States and its allies and the Soviet Union and its allies.
This global contest was popularly named The Cold War and sometimes the Olympics, since not much action really took place.

Instead, the "war" took the form of an arms race involving nuclear (new weapons which clearly looked like weapons, hence new-clear weapons) and conventional armed forces, which, in some low-IQ areas of the world like Arizona and Kazakhstan involved army training based solely on arms-only running races to train for the arms race everyone was talking about.
The greatest fear during the Cold War was the risk it would escalate into a full nuclear exchange and in the absence of Spam, this was big deal. Both sides developed deterrence and detergent policies that prevented problems from escalating and provided means of washing ones’ hands of any responsibility in case problems escalated.
The other insane trend during the Cold War was that many more people bought refrigerators and air-conditioners to keep up with the Joneses or the Gorbachevs, depending on which side one was on. Ice-cream manufacturers set up their cold chains at a furious pace ending in desperate American and Russian salesmen trying to sell ice cream to penguins.

During the same period, the MAD comic cartoon strip Spy v/s Spy inspired the setting up of the FBI in USA and the KGB in Russia. Governments bought huge quantities of dark glasses, overcoats and Fedora hats to equip their spies. Soon, the Feds and KGB operatives were well dressed and indistinguishable from any other secret agent, which was a major victory in itself.

Britain, which was having a cup of tea while all this happened, woke up to the buying frenzy pretty late and could only get some top hats and tuxedos on the market.
This led to the formation of a different kind of Secret Agency in Britain. It was a masterstroke that ensured no one took it seriously. They called their agency MI6 and their secret agents were called Double Zeroes. Soon afterwards they leaked MI6 jokes on the spy market and the Feds and KGB men were soon cracking up on jokes like “No wonder they are called the ‘Am I six?’(MI6) while the British Double Zero agents were undercover (usually with wives of Fed and KGB men)

Today we track the beginnings of the most famous Double Zero agent ever, James Bond, in this weeks release ‘Casino Royale’.
It all starts as James Bond goes about getting his double-zero status in a taut 10 minutes action sequence that involves him going through a test at MI6. There are several mannequins that he has to fight and he passes the test when he remembers to french kiss all the female mannequins while demolishing the male ones. This done, his boss, M instructs him to don a tuxedo and bring down Le Chiffre (the chauffeur, in French), the man who is bankrolling global terrorism. Le Chiffre is a bad man (a la Gulshan Grover, but minus the bad acting) and spends most of his time at Casino Royale, a casino at Montenegro (since renamed Monte, post the Colour Slur Era). He has been on a golden streak at the slot machine for well over three years and is just very excited to hear the coins tinkle as he keeps winning. Terrorists including G.W.Bush, Laden and Ricky Ponting, regularly stop by and scoop up cash he keeps winning, as he is very involved in his winning streak.
James Bond attempts to draw Le Chiffre’s attention away from the slot machine and towards other exciting games like Roulette (a small French jam roll) and Blackjack (since renamed Jack, post the Colour Slur Era), and ends up very depressed when he can’t.
M advises Bond to pull up his socks and get back to his task. This adjustment of socks results in serious injury to some of Bonds’ foot ligaments and he limps right into Vesper Lynd (not the obscure Scandinavian wrestling technique, a woman)
Vesper Lynd, it turns out, has a serious problem speaking her name and hence tends to attach herself to the other persons’ lips as soon as preliminary greetings are exchanged. Bond is terribly attracted to a woman who kisses him before he says ‘I’m Bond, James Bond’ and proceeds to knock back a few shaken martini’s, by the end of which he falls asleep and cannot be stirred.
There is hope still though; as Bond carries with him several unique gadgets that could help him succeed in his mission. (including three varieties of pocket comb + expense calculators, 14 ear buds and a tube of an obscure Indian gum called FeviBond) Which of these gadgets save the day? Is it the Yoko hand massager that 007 is carrying which will persuade Le Chiffre to give rest to his tired hands?
Will Vesper Lynd finally manage to say her name before she meets unsavoury and ugly men, like myself? Will Bond ever get up from under the covers? Are all men beta versions of James Bond, the alpha male?
Watch Casino Royale to find out! I am tomorrow.

* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release