OPM*
Presents – Dhoom (k) 2
In a world filled with crime, the need of the hour is a police officer who can bring things to order. A tough yet sharp Super Cop (like a knife, not a hammer).
In Mumbai, this onus has fallen upon Jai Dixit (Abhishek).
There is, though, a big problem.
The moniker Super Cop annoys him no end and makes him feel like Robocop, as it offends his artistic sensibilities. As an artist stuck in a world of crime and gore, he has had enough. He regularly wears a beard and acts in small, offbeat plays like UmraoJohn on the side, to satisfy his creative urges. Unfailingly, he gets bad reviews and hence has to change his fake beard often, to get new roles. To top it all, his Bengali wife of many years is threatening to leave him, as she suspects that all artists are bisexual. Jai is appalled that she thinks an artist of his calibre would ever have to buy sex and has a raging argument with her (depicted in the form of a song, ‘Crazy kiya re’) She leaves him.
Meanwhile in various locations around the world:
Career travel-writer Mr. Eh (pronounced ‘aye’ and played by Hrithik) is having a really tough day. He is in Namibia, travelling into the Namib Desert in search of the rare mythological animal Dhoomketu (Hindi: “Comet” is also a dog in the DC comics franchise “Comet – The Super Dog”). He finds a tattered copy of the comic on the train he is on and is satisfied.
There is, though, a big problem.
Mr. Eh is a kleptomaniac (Greek: kleptein, "to steal" is an inability to resist impulses of stealing). In sharp contrast to his failure at being a travel-writer, he is the biggest and most successful kleptomaniac the world has never seen.
On board the train is a royal family carrying a 300 year old royal WC (Abbreviation for Water Closet/flush toilet) which has been passed on in the family ever since their ancestor, King GM.Rao, proclaimed that the royal WC would remind them never to be royal pains in the a**.
Mr. Eh pulls off a baffling crime when he steals this worthless piece of loo-t and vanishes into thin air(a minor achievement when compared to the act of vanishing into thick air)
Everyone is baffled as to why anyone would steal a 300 year old WC and a cry of ‘Eh??!!!’ goes up across the world as Reuters wires the news out. Mr. Eh achieves instant fame in cop stations around the world and assorted nut-jobs start researching his life and crimes (just like all the research that is happening just now on topics like ‘Natural Disasters and your pets’, ‘Botox’, Aussie Cricket, Theology etc)
One of these nut-job researchers is a pretty indian cop called Shonali Bose(Bipasha). She uncovers rare and useless tidbits about Mr. Eh including an unbearable and ‘Eh??!!’-inducing list of his thefts. Topping the list are these:
12 refrigerators stolen from Eskimo households
88 shaving razors stolen from the home of the Indian PM
19000 items of clothing stolen from Reiki Saw-an-ant and Ka**mira S ( TV Show plug: Only one piece of clothing left. Watch Big Ba** !! )
Shonali, after a lot of research, comes to the conclusion that Mr. Eh will strike next in Mumbai, as that is where the worlds largest collection of inane artefacts are (Silly state politicians and their sons, aging film stars and their sons, madcap pop artists like Baba Seagull, crazy socialites etc).
Shonali, Jai Dixit and Ali (Uday Chapra), the mechanic-turned-cop, become allies and vow to nab Mr. Eh in Mumbai.
There is, though, a big problem.
Ali can’t connect to his new job, as it has nothing to do with bikes and decides to ask his boss, Jai Dixit, to transfer him to the Traffic Police department.
Around the same time:
Mr. Eh lands in Mumbai still in search of Dhoomketu. He meets Chaandi (Aishwarya), a girl who sells fake silver jewellery. She cons him into believing that she once sold a silver collar to Dhoomketu the dog. All she actually wants to do is travel the world on Mr. Eh’s money thus fulfilling her ambition of being Miss World. She dreams of wearing string bikinis on the beaches of Durban and Rio (much like the rest of us would want her to).
There is, though, a big problem.
That is what follows.
What follows is a mind-blowing action comedy that stretches from the desert of Namibia to the backwaters of Goa and finally to the “Wild n Exotic” Rann of Kutch in northern Gujarat.
Our five characters chase their dreams and each other through Greater Rann (8500 sq km) and Little Rann (5500 sq km) almost endlessly, till they run out of fuel, at which point they do a plug for a brand of Extra Premium Petrol.
Who will win at the Rann of Kutch, while the others remain also-rans? Will Jai Dixit fixit? What will Mr. Eh steal this time? Will it be Chaandi’s bikini? Will Shonali wax eloquent on a beach somewhere (like I always say, Wax before hitting the beach!)? Will Dhoomketu ever be found? Is the movie called Dhoom 2 (Dhoomketu) only because movies like this appear only once in many, say 76 years, like the Halley’s comet? Is this a good thing that we must be thankful about?
Watch the movie tomorrow to find out!
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
16 Nov 2006 - Casino Royale
OPM*
Presents – Casino Royale (OR) I’m a big Bond fan
The Cold War, Wikipedia informs me, was the protracted ideological, and economic struggle that emerged after World War II between the United States and its allies and the Soviet Union and its allies.
This global contest was popularly named The Cold War and sometimes the Olympics, since not much action really took place.
Instead, the "war" took the form of an arms race involving nuclear (new weapons which clearly looked like weapons, hence new-clear weapons) and conventional armed forces, which, in some low-IQ areas of the world like Arizona and Kazakhstan involved army training based solely on arms-only running races to train for the arms race everyone was talking about.
The greatest fear during the Cold War was the risk it would escalate into a full nuclear exchange and in the absence of Spam, this was big deal. Both sides developed deterrence and detergent policies that prevented problems from escalating and provided means of washing ones’ hands of any responsibility in case problems escalated.
The other insane trend during the Cold War was that many more people bought refrigerators and air-conditioners to keep up with the Joneses or the Gorbachevs, depending on which side one was on. Ice-cream manufacturers set up their cold chains at a furious pace ending in desperate American and Russian salesmen trying to sell ice cream to penguins.
During the same period, the MAD comic cartoon strip Spy v/s Spy inspired the setting up of the FBI in USA and the KGB in Russia. Governments bought huge quantities of dark glasses, overcoats and Fedora hats to equip their spies. Soon, the Feds and KGB operatives were well dressed and indistinguishable from any other secret agent, which was a major victory in itself.
Britain, which was having a cup of tea while all this happened, woke up to the buying frenzy pretty late and could only get some top hats and tuxedos on the market.
This led to the formation of a different kind of Secret Agency in Britain. It was a masterstroke that ensured no one took it seriously. They called their agency MI6 and their secret agents were called Double Zeroes. Soon afterwards they leaked MI6 jokes on the spy market and the Feds and KGB men were soon cracking up on jokes like “No wonder they are called the ‘Am I six?’(MI6) while the British Double Zero agents were undercover (usually with wives of Fed and KGB men)
Today we track the beginnings of the most famous Double Zero agent ever, James Bond, in this weeks release ‘Casino Royale’.
It all starts as James Bond goes about getting his double-zero status in a taut 10 minutes action sequence that involves him going through a test at MI6. There are several mannequins that he has to fight and he passes the test when he remembers to french kiss all the female mannequins while demolishing the male ones. This done, his boss, M instructs him to don a tuxedo and bring down Le Chiffre (the chauffeur, in French), the man who is bankrolling global terrorism. Le Chiffre is a bad man (a la Gulshan Grover, but minus the bad acting) and spends most of his time at Casino Royale, a casino at Montenegro (since renamed Monte, post the Colour Slur Era). He has been on a golden streak at the slot machine for well over three years and is just very excited to hear the coins tinkle as he keeps winning. Terrorists including G.W.Bush, Laden and Ricky Ponting, regularly stop by and scoop up cash he keeps winning, as he is very involved in his winning streak.
James Bond attempts to draw Le Chiffre’s attention away from the slot machine and towards other exciting games like Roulette (a small French jam roll) and Blackjack (since renamed Jack, post the Colour Slur Era), and ends up very depressed when he can’t.
M advises Bond to pull up his socks and get back to his task. This adjustment of socks results in serious injury to some of Bonds’ foot ligaments and he limps right into Vesper Lynd (not the obscure Scandinavian wrestling technique, a woman)
Vesper Lynd, it turns out, has a serious problem speaking her name and hence tends to attach herself to the other persons’ lips as soon as preliminary greetings are exchanged. Bond is terribly attracted to a woman who kisses him before he says ‘I’m Bond, James Bond’ and proceeds to knock back a few shaken martini’s, by the end of which he falls asleep and cannot be stirred.
There is hope still though; as Bond carries with him several unique gadgets that could help him succeed in his mission. (including three varieties of pocket comb + expense calculators, 14 ear buds and a tube of an obscure Indian gum called FeviBond) Which of these gadgets save the day? Is it the Yoko hand massager that 007 is carrying which will persuade Le Chiffre to give rest to his tired hands?
Will Vesper Lynd finally manage to say her name before she meets unsavoury and ugly men, like myself? Will Bond ever get up from under the covers? Are all men beta versions of James Bond, the alpha male?
Watch Casino Royale to find out! I am tomorrow.
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
Presents – Casino Royale (OR) I’m a big Bond fan
The Cold War, Wikipedia informs me, was the protracted ideological, and economic struggle that emerged after World War II between the United States and its allies and the Soviet Union and its allies.
This global contest was popularly named The Cold War and sometimes the Olympics, since not much action really took place.
Instead, the "war" took the form of an arms race involving nuclear (new weapons which clearly looked like weapons, hence new-clear weapons) and conventional armed forces, which, in some low-IQ areas of the world like Arizona and Kazakhstan involved army training based solely on arms-only running races to train for the arms race everyone was talking about.
The greatest fear during the Cold War was the risk it would escalate into a full nuclear exchange and in the absence of Spam, this was big deal. Both sides developed deterrence and detergent policies that prevented problems from escalating and provided means of washing ones’ hands of any responsibility in case problems escalated.
The other insane trend during the Cold War was that many more people bought refrigerators and air-conditioners to keep up with the Joneses or the Gorbachevs, depending on which side one was on. Ice-cream manufacturers set up their cold chains at a furious pace ending in desperate American and Russian salesmen trying to sell ice cream to penguins.
During the same period, the MAD comic cartoon strip Spy v/s Spy inspired the setting up of the FBI in USA and the KGB in Russia. Governments bought huge quantities of dark glasses, overcoats and Fedora hats to equip their spies. Soon, the Feds and KGB operatives were well dressed and indistinguishable from any other secret agent, which was a major victory in itself.
Britain, which was having a cup of tea while all this happened, woke up to the buying frenzy pretty late and could only get some top hats and tuxedos on the market.
This led to the formation of a different kind of Secret Agency in Britain. It was a masterstroke that ensured no one took it seriously. They called their agency MI6 and their secret agents were called Double Zeroes. Soon afterwards they leaked MI6 jokes on the spy market and the Feds and KGB men were soon cracking up on jokes like “No wonder they are called the ‘Am I six?’(MI6) while the British Double Zero agents were undercover (usually with wives of Fed and KGB men)
Today we track the beginnings of the most famous Double Zero agent ever, James Bond, in this weeks release ‘Casino Royale’.
It all starts as James Bond goes about getting his double-zero status in a taut 10 minutes action sequence that involves him going through a test at MI6. There are several mannequins that he has to fight and he passes the test when he remembers to french kiss all the female mannequins while demolishing the male ones. This done, his boss, M instructs him to don a tuxedo and bring down Le Chiffre (the chauffeur, in French), the man who is bankrolling global terrorism. Le Chiffre is a bad man (a la Gulshan Grover, but minus the bad acting) and spends most of his time at Casino Royale, a casino at Montenegro (since renamed Monte, post the Colour Slur Era). He has been on a golden streak at the slot machine for well over three years and is just very excited to hear the coins tinkle as he keeps winning. Terrorists including G.W.Bush, Laden and Ricky Ponting, regularly stop by and scoop up cash he keeps winning, as he is very involved in his winning streak.
James Bond attempts to draw Le Chiffre’s attention away from the slot machine and towards other exciting games like Roulette (a small French jam roll) and Blackjack (since renamed Jack, post the Colour Slur Era), and ends up very depressed when he can’t.
M advises Bond to pull up his socks and get back to his task. This adjustment of socks results in serious injury to some of Bonds’ foot ligaments and he limps right into Vesper Lynd (not the obscure Scandinavian wrestling technique, a woman)
Vesper Lynd, it turns out, has a serious problem speaking her name and hence tends to attach herself to the other persons’ lips as soon as preliminary greetings are exchanged. Bond is terribly attracted to a woman who kisses him before he says ‘I’m Bond, James Bond’ and proceeds to knock back a few shaken martini’s, by the end of which he falls asleep and cannot be stirred.
There is hope still though; as Bond carries with him several unique gadgets that could help him succeed in his mission. (including three varieties of pocket comb + expense calculators, 14 ear buds and a tube of an obscure Indian gum called FeviBond) Which of these gadgets save the day? Is it the Yoko hand massager that 007 is carrying which will persuade Le Chiffre to give rest to his tired hands?
Will Vesper Lynd finally manage to say her name before she meets unsavoury and ugly men, like myself? Will Bond ever get up from under the covers? Are all men beta versions of James Bond, the alpha male?
Watch Casino Royale to find out! I am tomorrow.
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Monday, November 13, 2006
Nov 9 - Vivah
OPM*
Presents – Vivah (OR) Are Marriages made in Heaven dot com?
Circa 14-16 BC : Ancient Greek Times
Mankind has lived life in a paradise, without worry, thus far. Epimetheus meets Pandora and tells her never to open the jar she has received from Zeus after which they proceed to make uninhibited love in the gardens.
However, Pandora's curiosity gets the better of her and as Epimetheus sleeps on his comfortable bed (comfortable beds were the norm in Ancient Greece. There were no other kinds of bed, as they were living in Paradise, which now is only a biryani joint in Hyderabad) she opens it, releasing all the misfortunes of mankind (plague, sorrow, the Australian Cricket team, greed, Indian Television soaps, old age, Himesh and worst of all, Clothing)
When Epimetheus wakes, he finds his bed has bedbugs and Pandora now wants to be called his wife. Inhibited lovemaking and Headaches follow immediately. Marriage is invented.
Circa 4-6 BC : India
Mallanaga Vatsyayana is born to middle class parents in the Golden Age of the Gupta dynasty. After experimenting with drugs for a short while he decides that he needs something more potent(this was mostly because the only drugs available were Homeopathic drugs).
He goes on to write the Kama Sutra, which becomes a major hit but earns him no royalties. His book, though, influences people of the time to reconsider the institution of Marriage. For sometime, everyone has a lot of fun, but when the scions of the Gupta dynasty decide to give up marriage, their progeny end up with no surname. Thus other opportunistic armies invade to claim the throne and it is curtains for the Gupta dynasty and the Vatsyayana period.
Circa Modern Times: India
Rajshri Productions (est. 1947 AD) has a new leading light, Sooraj. Sooraj decides to make movies about the phenomenon of marriages in India, and goes on to tell tremendous stories about wealthy people, many brothers, dogs, black-bucks and love, set in the background of weddings.
In the 21st century, Sooraj brings us a brand new tale with the usual ingredients. This week we look at what his Vivah, promises.
In a superb break of tradition, Sooraj decides to look at the ‘golden period between engagement and marriage’. ‘Golden’, surely because of the large amounts of dowry discussed during the period, but I must restrict myself from making social-historian like observations.
Gentle, soft spoken Prem (meaning ‘Love’), the scion of one of Delhi's most prosperous business houses, has grown up living in the fast lane, surrounded by Bengali friends who call him Prem da.
Now the thing with Sooraj is that his heroes are always called Prem and the promos proclaim loudly that Prem is Back. Where is Prem back from, you ask?
Prem is back from Sweden where the girls are all beautiful, with terrific metabolism and their idea of a good workout is… er. I’m told this is a paper for the entire family, and though I did try telling them that the ‘entire family’ usually happens after a good workout…. oh well, what the hell! Families depend heavily on storks delivering babies at the doorstep, children.
Yes, so Prem is an eligible bachelor who is just back from Stockholm and when his dad (Anupam Kheer) sweet talks him into meeting Poonam, promising him a trip to Amsterdam in return, he gives in. Poonam is a homely girl (don’t ask me what that means!) who has lived her life in the quaint town of Madhupur (don’t ask me where that is!) raised by her uncle (or chacha), Mr.Chacha. She calls him Chacha Chacha and everybody spends a lot of time dancing badly everytime this happens.
The rest of Madhupur are all Poonam’s relatives and there are several Tai-jis(professional tie makers), Nunn-ads(evangelical advertisements), Par-dadis(grannies with wings) and Ji-jus(Yes men). Large portions of the movie are spent explaining the relative positions of each relative in the Grand Madhupur Opera, which preaches that Nuclear Families Bomb.
When Poonam and Prem meet they have an awkward, formal exchange of words which is mostly because Prem has an itch to run away and Poonam is talking from under the veil/dupatta that girls in Madhupur don at all times.
These problems are soon overcome though and they have a deep, meaningful conversation that goes thus:
Prem (talking like he did in Stockholm): So you’re ready to get it on, eh?
Poonam (talking about her veil): But I already have it on.
Prem: Way to go girl!
The couple soon discover that they are sole mates, since they wear the same brand of footwear and this opens Prem to the idea of modernity and tradition co-existing, resulting in their engagement.
Prem and Poonam now enter the most magical and romantic time of their lives. Six months fly by happily. Just when everything is set for the wedding Prem decides to party hop one last time. This creates problems, and it will take God’s grace to ensure that the couple overcomes their difficulties.
Will Prem get some action tonight? What is the historical context of Dupattas? Will the couple have to register on a marriage website? Where does Time fly and in which directions? Who is God?
To find out watch Vivah that releases tomorrow!
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
Presents – Vivah (OR) Are Marriages made in Heaven dot com?
Circa 14-16 BC : Ancient Greek Times
Mankind has lived life in a paradise, without worry, thus far. Epimetheus meets Pandora and tells her never to open the jar she has received from Zeus after which they proceed to make uninhibited love in the gardens.
However, Pandora's curiosity gets the better of her and as Epimetheus sleeps on his comfortable bed (comfortable beds were the norm in Ancient Greece. There were no other kinds of bed, as they were living in Paradise, which now is only a biryani joint in Hyderabad) she opens it, releasing all the misfortunes of mankind (plague, sorrow, the Australian Cricket team, greed, Indian Television soaps, old age, Himesh and worst of all, Clothing)
When Epimetheus wakes, he finds his bed has bedbugs and Pandora now wants to be called his wife. Inhibited lovemaking and Headaches follow immediately. Marriage is invented.
Circa 4-6 BC : India
Mallanaga Vatsyayana is born to middle class parents in the Golden Age of the Gupta dynasty. After experimenting with drugs for a short while he decides that he needs something more potent(this was mostly because the only drugs available were Homeopathic drugs).
He goes on to write the Kama Sutra, which becomes a major hit but earns him no royalties. His book, though, influences people of the time to reconsider the institution of Marriage. For sometime, everyone has a lot of fun, but when the scions of the Gupta dynasty decide to give up marriage, their progeny end up with no surname. Thus other opportunistic armies invade to claim the throne and it is curtains for the Gupta dynasty and the Vatsyayana period.
Circa Modern Times: India
Rajshri Productions (est. 1947 AD) has a new leading light, Sooraj. Sooraj decides to make movies about the phenomenon of marriages in India, and goes on to tell tremendous stories about wealthy people, many brothers, dogs, black-bucks and love, set in the background of weddings.
In the 21st century, Sooraj brings us a brand new tale with the usual ingredients. This week we look at what his Vivah, promises.
In a superb break of tradition, Sooraj decides to look at the ‘golden period between engagement and marriage’. ‘Golden’, surely because of the large amounts of dowry discussed during the period, but I must restrict myself from making social-historian like observations.
Gentle, soft spoken Prem (meaning ‘Love’), the scion of one of Delhi's most prosperous business houses, has grown up living in the fast lane, surrounded by Bengali friends who call him Prem da.
Now the thing with Sooraj is that his heroes are always called Prem and the promos proclaim loudly that Prem is Back. Where is Prem back from, you ask?
Prem is back from Sweden where the girls are all beautiful, with terrific metabolism and their idea of a good workout is… er. I’m told this is a paper for the entire family, and though I did try telling them that the ‘entire family’ usually happens after a good workout…. oh well, what the hell! Families depend heavily on storks delivering babies at the doorstep, children.
Yes, so Prem is an eligible bachelor who is just back from Stockholm and when his dad (Anupam Kheer) sweet talks him into meeting Poonam, promising him a trip to Amsterdam in return, he gives in. Poonam is a homely girl (don’t ask me what that means!) who has lived her life in the quaint town of Madhupur (don’t ask me where that is!) raised by her uncle (or chacha), Mr.Chacha. She calls him Chacha Chacha and everybody spends a lot of time dancing badly everytime this happens.
The rest of Madhupur are all Poonam’s relatives and there are several Tai-jis(professional tie makers), Nunn-ads(evangelical advertisements), Par-dadis(grannies with wings) and Ji-jus(Yes men). Large portions of the movie are spent explaining the relative positions of each relative in the Grand Madhupur Opera, which preaches that Nuclear Families Bomb.
When Poonam and Prem meet they have an awkward, formal exchange of words which is mostly because Prem has an itch to run away and Poonam is talking from under the veil/dupatta that girls in Madhupur don at all times.
These problems are soon overcome though and they have a deep, meaningful conversation that goes thus:
Prem (talking like he did in Stockholm): So you’re ready to get it on, eh?
Poonam (talking about her veil): But I already have it on.
Prem: Way to go girl!
The couple soon discover that they are sole mates, since they wear the same brand of footwear and this opens Prem to the idea of modernity and tradition co-existing, resulting in their engagement.
Prem and Poonam now enter the most magical and romantic time of their lives. Six months fly by happily. Just when everything is set for the wedding Prem decides to party hop one last time. This creates problems, and it will take God’s grace to ensure that the couple overcomes their difficulties.
Will Prem get some action tonight? What is the historical context of Dupattas? Will the couple have to register on a marriage website? Where does Time fly and in which directions? Who is God?
To find out watch Vivah that releases tomorrow!
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
2 Nov 2006 - The Departed
OPM*
Presents – The De(e)part Ed(itorial)
Hello Boys! Here is a poser.
Between you and me, how many times have we gone to a fancy Italian restaurant and felt like absolute Neanderthals while the women in our lives ordered, very authoritatively, a completely indecipherable dinner, which looked like this:
Salad – Caesars Salad (But Caesar is ancient Roman history, you thought!)
Side dish – Avocado with something balsamic (which you guess is a new Scandinavian country)
Pasta - Black pepper fettuccine for Her and Angel hair pasta penne primavera for You (the pasta is always mind boggling and between the penne and the spaghetti you are sure its curtains for Sergio Leone curry westerns and Angel hair in your food. Also you are pretty sure now that Fibonacci and Muesli are pasta variants)
Yes, so between you and me, how many times have you felt like Early Man when you visited an Italian Restaurant? I’ve felt like that every time! Which means, even if you haven’t felt that way, atleast one out of every two men have felt like Early Man. Agreed it is very small sample size, you statistically inclined Nay Sayers! On another note, it should be noted that statistics were invented by men, most likely Early Men (who were, of course, the first breed of superhero), to tell lies convincingly.
Sample Early Conversation:
Early Man 1 – I got that tyranonoses with one hit to its nose.
Early Man 2 – That is because on 12th Marchinoiry (the Roman calendar hadn’t been invented yet. Neither had the Romans) at 5.43 pm I performed a choke slam on it. It was obviously weakened by that encounter. That was the same night I choke slammed 84 Trachiblockednoses and 14 Leakynoseblowers. It is well documented.
Early Woman – Come eat the wonderful pasta I just made.
Early Men – huh??!!?
Yes. So men have been struggling with understanding Italian food for ages. This week ‘The Departed’ by that fantastically fast and furious director Martin ScorCC (easily better than the Yamaha 125 CC) documents these struggles in modern day Boston.
Based on the 2002 Hong Kong movie, Infernal Affairs, ScorCC accelerates the story to suit Western audiences. Infernal Affairs was loosely about, sex in the kitchen, described by a restaurant owner Chow Chow Toh Yun Fat Hotahai. Chow Chow would famously say “Those Infernal Affairs in the Kitchen” each time someone complained of less Munch in their Manchurian or suo moto usage of aginomoto in their food.
In ScorCC’s movie the action starts in Downtown Boston at the offices of The DeepArt Editorial, a monthly Fine Arts magazine, run by two gourmet chefs turned recipe publishers. Leo and Matt (played by Leo DiCaprio and Matt Damon) are pretty riled with everyone in Boston as the DeepArt Editorial is selling only a handful of copies. Worse is that though the articles on painting and sculpture have got fan mail their Italian Recipes are not being appreciated.
They meet a marketing professional Madolyn (Vera Farmiga), who, after segmenting the market, tells them that the best bet would be to target the Mafiosi in Boston as they are all Italian. After some deep mining she finds out that the most discerning connoisseur of Italian food in Boston is the mob boss Jackie Boy (Jack Nicholson). Jackie Boy regularly bumps off waiters for making him wait and usually achieves this by dining at Boston’s best Italian joints (no connection with marijuana).
Leo and Matt are convinced by Madolyn’s analysis and can’t get their eyes off her legs because she has really long legs that extend to the South Pole, especially in a photograph taken at the South Pole. As soon as Madolyn realizes their primal interest in her she walks away really fast (helped along by her long legs that ensure she wins the Boston Marathon the following year)
Consequently, Leo and Matt make an appointment with Jackie Boy, who in turn promises to increase their papers circulation within their TG of gangsters.
Now, Jackie Boy is a respected don as he is the only one who knows what to order at Italian restaurants. This is because it has been several generations since the first Italian people broke ship at America and with cross-pollination in large numbers (especially among varieties of Italian flora) it has become tough on gangsters to keep their Italian heritage. Jackie Boy cannot fight these socio-economic challenges though he throws a big Boston Tea Party and is forced to admit failure to Leo and Matt.
Leo and Matt, who have been stewing in their own gravy (a small kitchen accident), do not take this news well and join forces to become Leo Matt El Inc, which goes on to toy with Jackie Boys’ pasta every time he orders one.
Jackie Boy is frustrated as his penne is served with shredded cheese and his Zucchini is always an Italian called Zucchini who proceeds to sing him an Operetta called ‘Ri’ in sotto voice.
Jackie Boy surrenders to Marky Mark and Alec Baldwin, who play conmen disguised as coppers, since he maintains that jail cuisine is better than badly made Italian food. The conmen proceed to retire on the money that the mob boss pays them every week to avoid eating badly made Italian cuisine, by investing in a mock jailhouse for their SIP (Silly Italian Person not Systematic Investment Plan).
Watch this movie today, if you empathise with Italian gourmet challenges! Also, today’s question:
Why didn’t the good boy ever eat the Ganache tart for dessert?
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
Presents – The De(e)part Ed(itorial)
Hello Boys! Here is a poser.
Between you and me, how many times have we gone to a fancy Italian restaurant and felt like absolute Neanderthals while the women in our lives ordered, very authoritatively, a completely indecipherable dinner, which looked like this:
Salad – Caesars Salad (But Caesar is ancient Roman history, you thought!)
Side dish – Avocado with something balsamic (which you guess is a new Scandinavian country)
Pasta - Black pepper fettuccine for Her and Angel hair pasta penne primavera for You (the pasta is always mind boggling and between the penne and the spaghetti you are sure its curtains for Sergio Leone curry westerns and Angel hair in your food. Also you are pretty sure now that Fibonacci and Muesli are pasta variants)
Yes, so between you and me, how many times have you felt like Early Man when you visited an Italian Restaurant? I’ve felt like that every time! Which means, even if you haven’t felt that way, atleast one out of every two men have felt like Early Man. Agreed it is very small sample size, you statistically inclined Nay Sayers! On another note, it should be noted that statistics were invented by men, most likely Early Men (who were, of course, the first breed of superhero), to tell lies convincingly.
Sample Early Conversation:
Early Man 1 – I got that tyranonoses with one hit to its nose.
Early Man 2 – That is because on 12th Marchinoiry (the Roman calendar hadn’t been invented yet. Neither had the Romans) at 5.43 pm I performed a choke slam on it. It was obviously weakened by that encounter. That was the same night I choke slammed 84 Trachiblockednoses and 14 Leakynoseblowers. It is well documented.
Early Woman – Come eat the wonderful pasta I just made.
Early Men – huh??!!?
Yes. So men have been struggling with understanding Italian food for ages. This week ‘The Departed’ by that fantastically fast and furious director Martin ScorCC (easily better than the Yamaha 125 CC) documents these struggles in modern day Boston.
Based on the 2002 Hong Kong movie, Infernal Affairs, ScorCC accelerates the story to suit Western audiences. Infernal Affairs was loosely about, sex in the kitchen, described by a restaurant owner Chow Chow Toh Yun Fat Hotahai. Chow Chow would famously say “Those Infernal Affairs in the Kitchen” each time someone complained of less Munch in their Manchurian or suo moto usage of aginomoto in their food.
In ScorCC’s movie the action starts in Downtown Boston at the offices of The DeepArt Editorial, a monthly Fine Arts magazine, run by two gourmet chefs turned recipe publishers. Leo and Matt (played by Leo DiCaprio and Matt Damon) are pretty riled with everyone in Boston as the DeepArt Editorial is selling only a handful of copies. Worse is that though the articles on painting and sculpture have got fan mail their Italian Recipes are not being appreciated.
They meet a marketing professional Madolyn (Vera Farmiga), who, after segmenting the market, tells them that the best bet would be to target the Mafiosi in Boston as they are all Italian. After some deep mining she finds out that the most discerning connoisseur of Italian food in Boston is the mob boss Jackie Boy (Jack Nicholson). Jackie Boy regularly bumps off waiters for making him wait and usually achieves this by dining at Boston’s best Italian joints (no connection with marijuana).
Leo and Matt are convinced by Madolyn’s analysis and can’t get their eyes off her legs because she has really long legs that extend to the South Pole, especially in a photograph taken at the South Pole. As soon as Madolyn realizes their primal interest in her she walks away really fast (helped along by her long legs that ensure she wins the Boston Marathon the following year)
Consequently, Leo and Matt make an appointment with Jackie Boy, who in turn promises to increase their papers circulation within their TG of gangsters.
Now, Jackie Boy is a respected don as he is the only one who knows what to order at Italian restaurants. This is because it has been several generations since the first Italian people broke ship at America and with cross-pollination in large numbers (especially among varieties of Italian flora) it has become tough on gangsters to keep their Italian heritage. Jackie Boy cannot fight these socio-economic challenges though he throws a big Boston Tea Party and is forced to admit failure to Leo and Matt.
Leo and Matt, who have been stewing in their own gravy (a small kitchen accident), do not take this news well and join forces to become Leo Matt El Inc, which goes on to toy with Jackie Boys’ pasta every time he orders one.
Jackie Boy is frustrated as his penne is served with shredded cheese and his Zucchini is always an Italian called Zucchini who proceeds to sing him an Operetta called ‘Ri’ in sotto voice.
Jackie Boy surrenders to Marky Mark and Alec Baldwin, who play conmen disguised as coppers, since he maintains that jail cuisine is better than badly made Italian food. The conmen proceed to retire on the money that the mob boss pays them every week to avoid eating badly made Italian cuisine, by investing in a mock jailhouse for their SIP (Silly Italian Person not Systematic Investment Plan).
Watch this movie today, if you empathise with Italian gourmet challenges! Also, today’s question:
Why didn’t the good boy ever eat the Ganache tart for dessert?
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
Friday, November 03, 2006
26 Oct 2006 - Umrao Jaan
OPM*
Presents – Umrao Jaan OR Another Beard Tale
It is the summer of 1855 AD, in Lucknow, the capital of Avadh. It is the same year in other places around the world too, but not necessarily summer.
In the streets, Umrao Jaan Ada’s songs are a rage:
Dil Cheez Kya Hai (‘My heart is a cheese ball’, when cheese balls hadn’t been invented yet too!!)
And
Yeh kya Jageh hai Doston (‘Where the ****** hell are we?’, a later day rock anthem)
An integral part of Urdu literature, Mirza Ruswa's 'Umrao Jaan Ada' is an Urdu classic not to be missed. Umrao Jaan, that releases next week, is a paean to that great Urdu book, with some historical inaccuracies and major script changes thrown in.
Much like ‘The Symbol formerly known as An artist formerly known as Prince who was formerly known as Prince’ we track the life of Umrao Jaan Ada backwards, in flashback, just as Urdu is read.
Lets give this some irrelevant historical context first:
Bahadur Shah Zafar is a harassed man. As the last in the long line of Mughals he is irritated that he will only appear as a footnote in history textbooks later and furthermore will feature in a Doordarshan teleserial.
The British are bothering him and he hates parathas since it reminds him of the Marathas. This is because ever since Shivaji made fun of Aurangzeb’s name the Mughal Empire has been in decline.
To top it all, he hasn’t been to a party in ages since it has become a habit to decline (invitations).
Wajid Ali Shah, the nawab of Avadh is a harassed man. The British have exiled him to Calcutta and men with ‘Nawab’ as first name are walking around Lucknow, his capital, robbing him of exclusivity. He frequently has altercations with common men that go thus:
Wajid : I’m the Nawab of Avadh
Marble Slab Layer : I’m Nawab
Harassment, thus, has hit an all time high in 19th century India. Anti-harassment laws are laid down (and this is even before the workplace for women was invented)
Umrao Jaan’s story begins set in this historical context, though she begins her story named a different name. Born Ameeran, to a poor family in Faizabad, she gets kidnapped by Dilawar Khan, a local malcontent, as her name suggests a rich father. When Dilawar discovers that ransom money is out of the question he sells her to Khannum Sahib in Lucknow. Khannum Sahib, in spite of the name, is a woman who runs a Kotha in Lucknow.
A Kotha is a place similar to the modern town of Kota in Rajasthan, but much cooler because of the Mughal marble used.
Since the Mughal Empire has been in decline, for over a century, Men folk have taken to sitting around and growing beards. This is an excruciatingly slow and tedious process that involves waiting, which they have no patience for. (As you can figure, Barbers had it really tough during Mughal decline times and were only saved by the invention of the profession, ‘Hairstylists’)
So the men folk, they’d troop into Kothas as cricket stadia hadn’t been invented in India yet.
Kothas, hence, were a good business to be in, though they would never get a Nasdaq listing since they weren’t equal opportunity employers. Women like Khannum Sahib trained the girls that came in to be proficient in performing arts like music, dance and poetry. The girls in turn used these skills to keep men occupied while their beards grew.
Ameeran, who had changed her name to Umrao Jaan (That U.M.Rao Life) becomes proficient in all the performing arts and belts out hit after hit. As she gains on the popularity ratings, she changes her name again to Umrao Jaan Ada.
Nawab Sultan, played by Abhishek Bachchan, is a really harassed man. He doesn’t know whether he is a Nawab or a Sultan and has been rejected by 18 women. This is mainly because he writes Urdu forwards and every woman ends up reading his ‘I love you’ notes, as ‘You love me’.
When the harassed Nawab Sultan visits Khannum’s Kotha and leaves a note for Umrao Jaan, she falls in love with him, as she is dyslexic and reads his note right.
It takes them three years to meet though, as Umrao likes her men with a full beard. In the three years, Mangal Pandey has grown his hair and kicked off the 1857 revolt. The British, though, have retaliated and laid siege to Lucknow.
As Umrao and Nawab clink their Rooafzah glasses together, the British enter Lucknow and throw everybody out. They become the rulers of Lucknow but soon realize that there is no longer anyone to rule over.
They locate Umrao Jaan Ada at Faizabad and hire her as an ambassador for Lucknow, to attract people back to town. For a brief period, Umrao is known as Umrao John, as a telling comment on her British connections.
Will Umrao Jaan ever get the Gazette office to make changes to her name? Will Nawab ever be able to shave? Who is John?
Watch Umrao Jaan to find out!
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
Presents – Umrao Jaan OR Another Beard Tale
It is the summer of 1855 AD, in Lucknow, the capital of Avadh. It is the same year in other places around the world too, but not necessarily summer.
In the streets, Umrao Jaan Ada’s songs are a rage:
Dil Cheez Kya Hai (‘My heart is a cheese ball’, when cheese balls hadn’t been invented yet too!!)
And
Yeh kya Jageh hai Doston (‘Where the ****** hell are we?’, a later day rock anthem)
An integral part of Urdu literature, Mirza Ruswa's 'Umrao Jaan Ada' is an Urdu classic not to be missed. Umrao Jaan, that releases next week, is a paean to that great Urdu book, with some historical inaccuracies and major script changes thrown in.
Much like ‘The Symbol formerly known as An artist formerly known as Prince who was formerly known as Prince’ we track the life of Umrao Jaan Ada backwards, in flashback, just as Urdu is read.
Lets give this some irrelevant historical context first:
Bahadur Shah Zafar is a harassed man. As the last in the long line of Mughals he is irritated that he will only appear as a footnote in history textbooks later and furthermore will feature in a Doordarshan teleserial.
The British are bothering him and he hates parathas since it reminds him of the Marathas. This is because ever since Shivaji made fun of Aurangzeb’s name the Mughal Empire has been in decline.
To top it all, he hasn’t been to a party in ages since it has become a habit to decline (invitations).
Wajid Ali Shah, the nawab of Avadh is a harassed man. The British have exiled him to Calcutta and men with ‘Nawab’ as first name are walking around Lucknow, his capital, robbing him of exclusivity. He frequently has altercations with common men that go thus:
Wajid : I’m the Nawab of Avadh
Marble Slab Layer : I’m Nawab
Harassment, thus, has hit an all time high in 19th century India. Anti-harassment laws are laid down (and this is even before the workplace for women was invented)
Umrao Jaan’s story begins set in this historical context, though she begins her story named a different name. Born Ameeran, to a poor family in Faizabad, she gets kidnapped by Dilawar Khan, a local malcontent, as her name suggests a rich father. When Dilawar discovers that ransom money is out of the question he sells her to Khannum Sahib in Lucknow. Khannum Sahib, in spite of the name, is a woman who runs a Kotha in Lucknow.
A Kotha is a place similar to the modern town of Kota in Rajasthan, but much cooler because of the Mughal marble used.
Since the Mughal Empire has been in decline, for over a century, Men folk have taken to sitting around and growing beards. This is an excruciatingly slow and tedious process that involves waiting, which they have no patience for. (As you can figure, Barbers had it really tough during Mughal decline times and were only saved by the invention of the profession, ‘Hairstylists’)
So the men folk, they’d troop into Kothas as cricket stadia hadn’t been invented in India yet.
Kothas, hence, were a good business to be in, though they would never get a Nasdaq listing since they weren’t equal opportunity employers. Women like Khannum Sahib trained the girls that came in to be proficient in performing arts like music, dance and poetry. The girls in turn used these skills to keep men occupied while their beards grew.
Ameeran, who had changed her name to Umrao Jaan (That U.M.Rao Life) becomes proficient in all the performing arts and belts out hit after hit. As she gains on the popularity ratings, she changes her name again to Umrao Jaan Ada.
Nawab Sultan, played by Abhishek Bachchan, is a really harassed man. He doesn’t know whether he is a Nawab or a Sultan and has been rejected by 18 women. This is mainly because he writes Urdu forwards and every woman ends up reading his ‘I love you’ notes, as ‘You love me’.
When the harassed Nawab Sultan visits Khannum’s Kotha and leaves a note for Umrao Jaan, she falls in love with him, as she is dyslexic and reads his note right.
It takes them three years to meet though, as Umrao likes her men with a full beard. In the three years, Mangal Pandey has grown his hair and kicked off the 1857 revolt. The British, though, have retaliated and laid siege to Lucknow.
As Umrao and Nawab clink their Rooafzah glasses together, the British enter Lucknow and throw everybody out. They become the rulers of Lucknow but soon realize that there is no longer anyone to rule over.
They locate Umrao Jaan Ada at Faizabad and hire her as an ambassador for Lucknow, to attract people back to town. For a brief period, Umrao is known as Umrao John, as a telling comment on her British connections.
Will Umrao Jaan ever get the Gazette office to make changes to her name? Will Nawab ever be able to shave? Who is John?
Watch Umrao Jaan to find out!
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
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