With the proliferation of the Short Top for women, the lower back has become the most unintentionally exposed part of the female anatomy
Pardon any awkward, I'm from Venus, you Martians suck moments.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
First Cause breakdowns, anyone?
Religion : Attempting to explain Complexity with Byzantium since 5000 BC
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
OPM*
Presents – Ram Gopal Varma has a tummy ache
It is a slithering, sultry, whiney bas*ard of a night in the summer of 2006 at Hyderabad. In the dark underbelly of Ram Gopal Varma’s Factory headquarters in the city, RGV has begun to suspect that the biryani he is stuffing himself with isn’t very fresh. ‘Why?’ you ask. Well, the dark innards of his belly have begun to ache. The pain isn’t discomfiting enough to make him stop working, but bad enough to send him regular reminders of its existence.
Why is he at work so late you ask? Ever since his film Company released to a rare combination rave reviews and big box office collections, his company has only churned out one flop after another. His financiers have told him that they will no longer play dice with their money on experimental films that explore just the kind of things that Karan Johar’s films do not.
But just what can RGV do? He can’t make straight-laced romances like Johar does. (Lace he feels, is not for straight men) He is only interested in underbelly stories. Preferably dark underbellies.
Having directed or produced films about the Underbelly of marriage (My Wife’s Murder – Anil Kapoor’s life goes kaput when he whacks an irritating Sunita Krishnamurthy), the Underbelly of a peaceful house (Kaun - Urmila Matondkar does a Tendulkar on everyone visiting her house), the Underbelly of a Ghost (Bhoot – How to reboot your house out of a ghost) and the Underbelly of an Underbelly story (Shiva – A remake of his own film) he still aches to make more experimental films, on the way to his life’s ambition of making a classic on the Underbelly of a Belly Dancer.
But aching bellies be damned, all that the audience seems to want is Karan Johar’s stories that concentrate on the chest..er the heart. Romances, with all their skippety-twirly-go-round delight, bah! From RGV’s point of view it looks like the heart is the only anatomical unit that seems to translate metaphorically to hit films in Bollywood. (On a separate note, the chest and parts under the belly are well covered, or uncovered by the porn industry)
Now with his financiers all but backing out completely, RGV is in trouble.
But he feels energized, as he is at his best as a storywriter/director while he is uncomfortable; like the sort of living-the-story exercise that some actors go through to improve their performances.
Now with things falling apart around and inside him he feels that, finally, cause-effect variables have tossed the coin in his favour and his pièce de résistance will soon be engulfed in a flurry of awards and adulation.
As soon as he comes up with his pièce de résistance, that is.
By the wee hours of the night he figures out a way to make underbelly movies which fetch an initial. (Initial, Box Office terminology - Unlike the postprandial cigarette which is always satisfying and more like post coitus analysis which could go either way)
Remake a classic and season it with underbelly sauce! The Factory engine goes into overdrive to decide which classic Bollywood film to remake.
After considering films like Mughal-e-azam (rejected as Dilip Kumar refuses to play Akbar), Mr. India (rejected as Anil Kapoor refuses to play Mogambo) and Baap Numbri toh Beta dus numbri (rejected as Shakti Kapoor refuses to play, except on a couch), the Factory finalises on Ramesh Sippy’s Sholay after a call to Amitabh Bachchan.
Amitabh will play Gabbar Singh. And ensure an initial.
RGV works day and night, stuffing himself with umpteen biryanis-gone-wrong, firing up his innards to complete a masalafied script for the New Sholay. He will have Malayalam superstar Mohanlal play a Thakur equivalent, mouthing immortal lines in exquisitely Malayalam flavoured Hindi. Lines like “Loehhaa geram hei, maar tho hataudah”! Sushmita Sen will play Radha the widow, but will dress in black and will want Gabbar to hang as much as Thakur does and Saambha doesn’t, thus making her a vengeful modern day spiderwoman, albeit of the black widow kind.
He gets to the place where Ajay Devgan’s Veeru is telling Basanti “Basanti, in kutton ke samne salsa mat karna” while Amitabh’s Gabbar is laughing at his bad dialogue delivery when RGV gets a notice from Ramesh Sippy’s office saying that none of the names from the original can be used in his remake.
The uncomfortable setback rejuvenates RGV who is tired of Amitabh’s silly Gabbar-grin and he gets down to reworking the script again.
Dhano the horse tranforms into an auto called Laila with low horsepower and Hema Malini’s Basanti becomes a tepid Ghungroo played by one of RGV’s Urmila-clone muses. Veeru becomes Heero (???!!?) and Jai becomes Raj (a tribute to SRK’s loverboy roles). Thakur becomes Narasimha, an encounter cop whose fingers are chopped off by Gabbar(now Babban Singh), who can’t get over the fact that he can’t give anyone the middle finger in Bombay’s peak hour traffic.
Will RGV, who has renamed the movie to echo his perennial stomach condition succeed in breaking his underbelly jinx in the same week that Bhojpuri superstar Ravi Kissen releases his Ravi Kissen ke Jhaag (soapva banaike ghar ley jae)
Find out when you watch RGV’s Aag releasing tomorrow. But don’t forget to carry some ENO.
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
Monday, July 23, 2007
OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
OPM*
Presents - India’s Temple of Doom? OR Why I’d rather believe in Harry Potter
The curious case of the UPA’s Presidential candidate, Pratibha Patil, has me in a state of shock.
It isn’t just the normal allegations of fraud, loan defaults and the odd linkage to a serious crime, common to most Indian politicians, which we, as a public, are now used to. Well, used to, like we can digest Sunil Shetty singing ‘Hai Hukku Hai Hukku Hai Hai’ to some awfully co-ordinated limb flailing or Chiranjeevi (in tight pants and shiny shirt) with Radhika/Roja/Rambha (shiny towel wrapped around head) singing and dancing to ‘Jammakku Thaa, Kassakku rroo’; i.e. we can live with it, but not understand it for the life of us.
No, coming from, possibly, India’s next President, it is other things she has to say that shock me.
Her unadulterated silliness over the purdah system and the Mughal’s with its clarifications and retractions and on the need for compulsory sterilisation for those with ‘hereditary disease’ are merely politically incorrect starters in the main course of National embarrassment that her Presidential speeches will guarantee to serve. And then there is the matter of her chats with a dead God man of the Brahma Kumaris sect at Mount Abu in Rajasthan. With a President who chats with dead people, India is sure to scale new heights as a tourist haunt for foreigners who want a piece of the mumbo-jumbo ‘Indiana’s Jones and Temple of Doom’ India. Expect spectacular seven-course-meal botch-ups in the coming years.
Unfortunately, as seen with said Patil, the more enlightened aspects of Hinduism and our ‘culture’ are lost on most of its practitioners. Our legacy is an inexplicable set of rituals and ’knowledge’ of our texts, mostly from televised versions, as with the Mahabharata and Ramayana. It seems that our culture and history are being redefined by this new half-baked knowledge in its practitioners and the world press. With Patil as first citizen, misinformed worldviews that associate India and Hinduism to Occult and other gobbledegook will only get exaggerated.
With this as background, in the week the new Harry Potter movie is hitting screens, it has been reported that Shekhar Kapur and Deepak Chopra have ambitious plans of translating Indian Epics onto the medium of film. These movies will be on the scale of an LOTR at a fraction of the production cost. The movies, if and when they are made, will be termed ‘Mythological’. There is an astonishing insight here (yes, astonishing because this column is making claims to enlightened thought, however dim the enlightenment), but first, some background.
The word Mythology (from Greek ‘mythos’, meaning a narrative, and ‘logos’, meaning speech or argument) literally means the oral retelling of myths – stories that a particular culture believes to be true that use the supernatural to interpret natural events and to explain the nature of the universe and humanity. This oral retelling was particularly tough, considering the sheer number of stories that mankind developed in the absence of television (a much more serious issue that the absence of God). It was made even tougher as the tape recorder had not been invented, thus ensuring that every person with a story to tell (which was almost everyone), was left pressed for time. (This explains why the advent of the tape recorder coincided with the population explosion, as everyone had better uses to put their oral skills to)
In modern usage, "mythology" is the body of myths from a particular culture or religion (as in Greek mythology or Indian Mythology).
But it isn’t that simple because the popular and common meaning of the English word “Myth” is that of a rumour, misconception or mistaken belief. This is in marked contrast to the meaning "stories of deep cultural or spiritual significance".
I have observed (however oxymoronically) that the stories and mythologies of pantheistic faiths such as Hinduism or faiths of the ancient Greeks and Romans etc, when translated to film or other media are always termed ‘Mythological’ by the foreign press while one never hears terms like Christian or Islamic mythology. And I suspect this is because the term ‘mythology’ today alludes to the contextually undesirable modern meaning of ‘Myth’.
Of course, when Deepak and Shekhar’s mythological releases, we will see that they have adopted the Mahabharata to suit today’s deep cultural and spiritual ideas.
For instance, the Pandava’s will be less than ideal blokes, thus translating them to modern times. Examples:
Yudhishtira will never speak a lie, except when he really needs to, usually while gambling.
Bheema will pay for his excessive eating and will have to go on GM and Atkin diets regularly.
Arjuna will be shown to be the crybaby he really is.
Nakula and Sahadeva will resent being clubbed together always and reinvent themselves as popular DJs Now-cool and Dev.
Yes the five Pandavas will still share a single wife, but for reasons that are deeply culturally rooted. Kunti, having had the luxury of watching TV soaps all day will realize the deeply cultural TV soap truth that families go nuclear because of daughter-in-laws. For this reason, she insists that her sons share one wife. (Other than the fact that the modern version is set in Chandigarh, where the Female sex ratio has fallen to 790)
Amidst such modern day contexts (some positive, such as Bheeshma having no problem fighting Shikhandi, in these days of gay rights) I suspect many of us will see the merit of seeing “culture” as something that is not constant, something that is best as it evolves (and, *wink*, brings with it more national holidays)
For instance, feasting on Bertie Bott’s Every Flavoured beans is a better way to spend your old age than becoming an ascetic with the aspiration of an afterlife spent in sterile heaven along with Yudhishtira, Harischandra and other moral but boring denizens of that supposed space.
This is why I’d rather believe in Harry Potter than any mono or pantheistic idea of religion, afterlife, God, UFO’s or 72 Virginians in heaven.
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
OPM*
Presents - India’s Temple of Doom? OR Why I’d rather believe in Harry Potter
The curious case of the UPA’s Presidential candidate, Pratibha Patil, has me in a state of shock.
It isn’t just the normal allegations of fraud, loan defaults and the odd linkage to a serious crime, common to most Indian politicians, which we, as a public, are now used to. Well, used to, like we can digest Sunil Shetty singing ‘Hai Hukku Hai Hukku Hai Hai’ to some awfully co-ordinated limb flailing or Chiranjeevi (in tight pants and shiny shirt) with Radhika/Roja/Rambha (shiny towel wrapped around head) singing and dancing to ‘Jammakku Thaa, Kassakku rroo’; i.e. we can live with it, but not understand it for the life of us.
No, coming from, possibly, India’s next President, it is other things she has to say that shock me.
Her unadulterated silliness over the purdah system and the Mughal’s with its clarifications and retractions and on the need for compulsory sterilisation for those with ‘hereditary disease’ are merely politically incorrect starters in the main course of National embarrassment that her Presidential speeches will guarantee to serve. And then there is the matter of her chats with a dead God man of the Brahma Kumaris sect at Mount Abu in Rajasthan. With a President who chats with dead people, India is sure to scale new heights as a tourist haunt for foreigners who want a piece of the mumbo-jumbo ‘Indiana’s Jones and Temple of Doom’ India. Expect spectacular seven-course-meal botch-ups in the coming years.
Unfortunately, as seen with said Patil, the more enlightened aspects of Hinduism and our ‘culture’ are lost on most of its practitioners. Our legacy is an inexplicable set of rituals and ’knowledge’ of our texts, mostly from televised versions, as with the Mahabharata and Ramayana. It seems that our culture and history are being redefined by this new half-baked knowledge in its practitioners and the world press. With Patil as first citizen, misinformed worldviews that associate India and Hinduism to Occult and other gobbledegook will only get exaggerated.
With this as background, in the week the new Harry Potter movie is hitting screens, it has been reported that Shekhar Kapur and Deepak Chopra have ambitious plans of translating Indian Epics onto the medium of film. These movies will be on the scale of an LOTR at a fraction of the production cost. The movies, if and when they are made, will be termed ‘Mythological’. There is an astonishing insight here (yes, astonishing because this column is making claims to enlightened thought, however dim the enlightenment), but first, some background.
The word Mythology (from Greek ‘mythos’, meaning a narrative, and ‘logos’, meaning speech or argument) literally means the oral retelling of myths – stories that a particular culture believes to be true that use the supernatural to interpret natural events and to explain the nature of the universe and humanity. This oral retelling was particularly tough, considering the sheer number of stories that mankind developed in the absence of television (a much more serious issue that the absence of God). It was made even tougher as the tape recorder had not been invented, thus ensuring that every person with a story to tell (which was almost everyone), was left pressed for time. (This explains why the advent of the tape recorder coincided with the population explosion, as everyone had better uses to put their oral skills to)
In modern usage, "mythology" is the body of myths from a particular culture or religion (as in Greek mythology or Indian Mythology).
But it isn’t that simple because the popular and common meaning of the English word “Myth” is that of a rumour, misconception or mistaken belief. This is in marked contrast to the meaning "stories of deep cultural or spiritual significance".
I have observed (however oxymoronically) that the stories and mythologies of pantheistic faiths such as Hinduism or faiths of the ancient Greeks and Romans etc, when translated to film or other media are always termed ‘Mythological’ by the foreign press while one never hears terms like Christian or Islamic mythology. And I suspect this is because the term ‘mythology’ today alludes to the contextually undesirable modern meaning of ‘Myth’.
Of course, when Deepak and Shekhar’s mythological releases, we will see that they have adopted the Mahabharata to suit today’s deep cultural and spiritual ideas.
For instance, the Pandava’s will be less than ideal blokes, thus translating them to modern times. Examples:
Yudhishtira will never speak a lie, except when he really needs to, usually while gambling.
Bheema will pay for his excessive eating and will have to go on GM and Atkin diets regularly.
Arjuna will be shown to be the crybaby he really is.
Nakula and Sahadeva will resent being clubbed together always and reinvent themselves as popular DJs Now-cool and Dev.
Yes the five Pandavas will still share a single wife, but for reasons that are deeply culturally rooted. Kunti, having had the luxury of watching TV soaps all day will realize the deeply cultural TV soap truth that families go nuclear because of daughter-in-laws. For this reason, she insists that her sons share one wife. (Other than the fact that the modern version is set in Chandigarh, where the Female sex ratio has fallen to 790)
Amidst such modern day contexts (some positive, such as Bheeshma having no problem fighting Shikhandi, in these days of gay rights) I suspect many of us will see the merit of seeing “culture” as something that is not constant, something that is best as it evolves (and, *wink*, brings with it more national holidays)
For instance, feasting on Bertie Bott’s Every Flavoured beans is a better way to spend your old age than becoming an ascetic with the aspiration of an afterlife spent in sterile heaven along with Yudhishtira, Harischandra and other moral but boring denizens of that supposed space.
This is why I’d rather believe in Harry Potter than any mono or pantheistic idea of religion, afterlife, God, UFO’s or 72 Virginians in heaven.
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
OPM*
Presents – Aap ka Common Nouns
The Internet has made the world a much smaller place, though Stephen Hawkins says that it only appears so, as he has it from reliable scientists like himself that the Universe all around is actually expanding, which, come to think of it, explains my growing girth. Leaving that expansive topic aside, the Internet is only making the world a much smaller place, metaphorically. So there is no danger of your house shrinking and bringing untold losses to your real estate portfolio. And even if there appears to be such catastrophe in offing because of a shrinking world, it is easily set off by the expansion of the universe.
This expansion-shrinkage is a terribly confusing business and experts in the field including the world’s best Shrinks and Sexologists gather every year to discuss shrinkage and enlargement in a sterile space (Space is often sterile. If you are a man, you know how sterile it can get when she asks you for space).
I decided to use the Internet’s metaphorical powers to find some school and college friends I have lost touch with over the years. After numerous hours of downloading porn, er, searching for them using tools like search engines, social networking sites and blogs I had more or less given up when, by quirky probability I chanced on my friend Kushal Pande’s blog. Only, he had changed his name to Koolshal Pondy and it took me a while to figure out that it was indeed, my friend. Why had he changed his name? Numerology.
What is numerology? Numerology is any of many systems or beliefs in a mystical relationship between numbers and physical objects or living things. This goes beyond the physical relationship that young schoolchildren associate with bowel movements. Yes. Actually. And the damned ‘science’ is driving me insane because of Numerological name alterations. I have realized, to my utter dismay, that forty percent of my friends and several relatives have or are considering changing their names after visiting a numerology consultant (just like Management Consultants, but with other bullsh**)
Numerology, I found, is a counteractive force against the metaphorical powers of the Internet, because said powers are pretty useless without the right data. To illustrate: When Gopal becomes Sugopalen and Vivek, Vivacuous the original names are worth nothing to a search engine.
Post these debacles and being aware of the phenomenon (no, not the Malayalee called Pheno Menon) I have observed a dangerous trend of numerology creeping into language and spelling.
OPM this week deals with a movie that has been similarly affected, Himesh Resham-Miya’s debut, Aap Kaa Surroor – The Moviee, The Real Luv Storiee.
Himesh’s friend, Prashant Chadda who is also responsible for his baseball cap, trench coat and big buckle belt wardrobe malfunction, er, look directs him in this abominably named motion picture. With words that look like they have been in an accident involving mangled steel and a shipment of Oxford Press dictionaries appearing in mainstream media titles, one despairs about a day where a future generation will abandon Spelling as a course and all words will become common nouns. This only magnifies my worries about the future of the Language; worries that have been around since I was introduced to the Sms Generation and Compulsory Regional Language in school with English as an option.
The advent of Himesh Resham-Miya as a film actor overshadows such worries for now, though. I am filled with a mixture of pale hope and indelible dread because of what Himesh- as- movie star throws our collective way. An explanation is in order.
Let us start at the beginning, which is where we should begin considering that Flashback or flashing any other portion is illegal under the Immoral Traffic Act.
Primarily a music director, Himesh Resham-Miya later became the phenomenon (no, not the Malayalee called Pheno Menon) he is for his vocals, which have a distinctive high-pitched nasal twang. Over the last year Himesh’s, unfortunately prolific, musical output has caused my senses untold grief on the Tele and the Radio, in auto rickshaws and from baraat bands (baraat: different from Borat, the movie, but often as grotesquely funny, when relatives of all sizes decide to shake, nay, flail their limbs in joy, allegedly dancing).
Unexpected and inexplicable success as a singer having gone to his head (and symbolically having stayed there as his trademark cap), Himesh now tries his hand, and the rest of himself (he will try his Hand alone, later, on a Puppet show) at being an actor.
Partly based on Himesh’s own life, the movie opens to a Utopian world where Himesh is being thrown out of music directors’ offices, where he is looking for work.
On being thrown out he lands on a terribly plain fifteen-year-old child artiste called Hansika Motwani, injuring her badly and worse, breaking her set of Talking Barbie and Ken Watanabe in Japanese Embrace. The rest of the story involves Himesh playing the forlorn lover and trying to win the minor’s affection by fixing her Talking Barbie set. In frustration he records himself in a squeaky falsetto to substitute Barbie’s talkie microchip. Hansika falls in love with him immediately, injuring herself again trying to break the fall. A desperate and partially deaf Music Director finds the recording and gives him a singer’s job, thus turning him into a huge success before the night is out.
Why should you see the movie? Himesh reveals why he always wears a cap, and it is not a plug for a hair care/growth brand.
Why do I have pale hope when I behold Himesh, the actor? I hope this movie is a blockbuster and he stops singing. It is more likely though, that he’ll both sing and act. That explains the Indelible Dread, huh?
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
Presents – Aap ka Common Nouns
The Internet has made the world a much smaller place, though Stephen Hawkins says that it only appears so, as he has it from reliable scientists like himself that the Universe all around is actually expanding, which, come to think of it, explains my growing girth. Leaving that expansive topic aside, the Internet is only making the world a much smaller place, metaphorically. So there is no danger of your house shrinking and bringing untold losses to your real estate portfolio. And even if there appears to be such catastrophe in offing because of a shrinking world, it is easily set off by the expansion of the universe.
This expansion-shrinkage is a terribly confusing business and experts in the field including the world’s best Shrinks and Sexologists gather every year to discuss shrinkage and enlargement in a sterile space (Space is often sterile. If you are a man, you know how sterile it can get when she asks you for space).
I decided to use the Internet’s metaphorical powers to find some school and college friends I have lost touch with over the years. After numerous hours of downloading porn, er, searching for them using tools like search engines, social networking sites and blogs I had more or less given up when, by quirky probability I chanced on my friend Kushal Pande’s blog. Only, he had changed his name to Koolshal Pondy and it took me a while to figure out that it was indeed, my friend. Why had he changed his name? Numerology.
What is numerology? Numerology is any of many systems or beliefs in a mystical relationship between numbers and physical objects or living things. This goes beyond the physical relationship that young schoolchildren associate with bowel movements. Yes. Actually. And the damned ‘science’ is driving me insane because of Numerological name alterations. I have realized, to my utter dismay, that forty percent of my friends and several relatives have or are considering changing their names after visiting a numerology consultant (just like Management Consultants, but with other bullsh**)
Numerology, I found, is a counteractive force against the metaphorical powers of the Internet, because said powers are pretty useless without the right data. To illustrate: When Gopal becomes Sugopalen and Vivek, Vivacuous the original names are worth nothing to a search engine.
Post these debacles and being aware of the phenomenon (no, not the Malayalee called Pheno Menon) I have observed a dangerous trend of numerology creeping into language and spelling.
OPM this week deals with a movie that has been similarly affected, Himesh Resham-Miya’s debut, Aap Kaa Surroor – The Moviee, The Real Luv Storiee.
Himesh’s friend, Prashant Chadda who is also responsible for his baseball cap, trench coat and big buckle belt wardrobe malfunction, er, look directs him in this abominably named motion picture. With words that look like they have been in an accident involving mangled steel and a shipment of Oxford Press dictionaries appearing in mainstream media titles, one despairs about a day where a future generation will abandon Spelling as a course and all words will become common nouns. This only magnifies my worries about the future of the Language; worries that have been around since I was introduced to the Sms Generation and Compulsory Regional Language in school with English as an option.
The advent of Himesh Resham-Miya as a film actor overshadows such worries for now, though. I am filled with a mixture of pale hope and indelible dread because of what Himesh- as- movie star throws our collective way. An explanation is in order.
Let us start at the beginning, which is where we should begin considering that Flashback or flashing any other portion is illegal under the Immoral Traffic Act.
Primarily a music director, Himesh Resham-Miya later became the phenomenon (no, not the Malayalee called Pheno Menon) he is for his vocals, which have a distinctive high-pitched nasal twang. Over the last year Himesh’s, unfortunately prolific, musical output has caused my senses untold grief on the Tele and the Radio, in auto rickshaws and from baraat bands (baraat: different from Borat, the movie, but often as grotesquely funny, when relatives of all sizes decide to shake, nay, flail their limbs in joy, allegedly dancing).
Unexpected and inexplicable success as a singer having gone to his head (and symbolically having stayed there as his trademark cap), Himesh now tries his hand, and the rest of himself (he will try his Hand alone, later, on a Puppet show) at being an actor.
Partly based on Himesh’s own life, the movie opens to a Utopian world where Himesh is being thrown out of music directors’ offices, where he is looking for work.
On being thrown out he lands on a terribly plain fifteen-year-old child artiste called Hansika Motwani, injuring her badly and worse, breaking her set of Talking Barbie and Ken Watanabe in Japanese Embrace. The rest of the story involves Himesh playing the forlorn lover and trying to win the minor’s affection by fixing her Talking Barbie set. In frustration he records himself in a squeaky falsetto to substitute Barbie’s talkie microchip. Hansika falls in love with him immediately, injuring herself again trying to break the fall. A desperate and partially deaf Music Director finds the recording and gives him a singer’s job, thus turning him into a huge success before the night is out.
Why should you see the movie? Himesh reveals why he always wears a cap, and it is not a plug for a hair care/growth brand.
Why do I have pale hope when I behold Himesh, the actor? I hope this movie is a blockbuster and he stops singing. It is more likely though, that he’ll both sing and act. That explains the Indelible Dread, huh?
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
Thursday, June 14, 2007
OPM*
Presents – Ocean’s Thirteenth Year
Ocean's Thirteen, a film directed by Stephen Soderbergh, starring an ensemble cast led by George Clooney, Al Pacino, Matt Damon and Brad Pitt is set to release tomorrow. The third in the franchise that started with Ocean’s Eleven has spurred discussions on varied topics including Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, both self same people in India, their adopted kids etc, for months now. Apologetic mentions of the movie are included sometimes when these two very popular stars are photographed at locations like Pune, Cannes and their backyard. (Ex: Brad and Jolie spotted for the 13th time on the Pacific Ocean coastline, Brangelina to name 13th adoption Ocean)
Ocean’s Thirteen is the third in the Soderbergh series following the 2004 sequel Ocean's Twelve of the 2001 picture Ocean's Eleven, a remake of the 1960 Rat Pack film Ocean's Eleven (being a Rat Pack film all the stars consequently die of poisoning. Yes, rat poison) which was itself highly influenced by Jean-Pierre Melville's Bob le Flambeur (French, literally, ‘The Flambeur of Bob’ where several Englishmen spend hours, bobbing up and down, agonizing over what the hell a Flambeur is. No, they don’t find out)
After the hugely successful run of the first two movies, Soderbergh realized that though heist movies (Try: Jules Dassin’s Rififi, Kubrick’s The Killing, George Hill’s The Sting and Sidney Lumet’s Dog Day Afternoon) would always have audiences, the arithmetic progression (with common difference 1) of characters and numerical suffixes in film name could not last for very long.
For example, in due course, when the 212th movie in the franchise is in the making it will be decidedly tough to fit in 212 different characters with as many sub plots into a 2-hour movie. Or for instance, the problems Ocean’s 666 will face, being condemned by religious groups as an act of Satan. If that isn’t convincing enough, think of some far future when half the world’s population will have to play lead roles in Oceans Three Billion Ninety Three Million Nine hundred Thousand Four hundred and Eighty Six? This arithmetic progression of characters, Soderbergh realized, was a very dangerous thing. Imagine the budgets he would have to organize! And the number of Vanity Vans!
Taking this into account, the filmmaker decided to put a new spin on the numeric in the nomenclature, using the numeric to denote something other than a character addition. Thus, Ocean’s Thirteen is about the teenage years of our heisting protagonists. There are rumours that the next film in the Ocean franchise will be Ocean’s Sixty Nine, the terribly interesting plot details for which are available on the Internet as an Oral clip.
Onwards to the movie releasing this week though – Ocean’s Thirteenth Year.
The movie begins with a pleasing close-up (particularly pleasing for the men folk in the audience to note that young George was a really ugly young boy, what with years of gushing from women about Clooney’s looks) of a 13-year-old Danny Ocean, played by a young George Clooney. All the other boys including Pitt, Damon and Andy Garcia join him, each competing for the years Most Annoying Child on Screen award. It turns out that all the kids are juvenile delinquents with a fetish for extra candy (sweets and toffees, not a girl named Candy. Candy, the girl, makes an appearance in Ocean’s Sixty Nine, as do some other interesting fetishes. My lips are sealed though! Anyway 13 isn’t that kind of movie. Kids can watch it, especially illegally)
Yeah, so the kids want extra candy and since this is a heist film, decide to steal it from the Candy Shop run by a 60-year-old failed white singer called 50 Cents for the Candy Bar (played by Al Pacino), who keeps lamenting his failed career as a hip-hop musician blaming his arthritis ridden hips for impeding his hopping.
What follows plays out like a sad rendition of ‘How much is that Doggie in the window?’ repeated over and over. Let me know if you liked the movie. Maybe I’ll send you some Candy.
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
Presents – Ocean’s Thirteenth Year
Ocean's Thirteen, a film directed by Stephen Soderbergh, starring an ensemble cast led by George Clooney, Al Pacino, Matt Damon and Brad Pitt is set to release tomorrow. The third in the franchise that started with Ocean’s Eleven has spurred discussions on varied topics including Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, both self same people in India, their adopted kids etc, for months now. Apologetic mentions of the movie are included sometimes when these two very popular stars are photographed at locations like Pune, Cannes and their backyard. (Ex: Brad and Jolie spotted for the 13th time on the Pacific Ocean coastline, Brangelina to name 13th adoption Ocean)
Ocean’s Thirteen is the third in the Soderbergh series following the 2004 sequel Ocean's Twelve of the 2001 picture Ocean's Eleven, a remake of the 1960 Rat Pack film Ocean's Eleven (being a Rat Pack film all the stars consequently die of poisoning. Yes, rat poison) which was itself highly influenced by Jean-Pierre Melville's Bob le Flambeur (French, literally, ‘The Flambeur of Bob’ where several Englishmen spend hours, bobbing up and down, agonizing over what the hell a Flambeur is. No, they don’t find out)
After the hugely successful run of the first two movies, Soderbergh realized that though heist movies (Try: Jules Dassin’s Rififi, Kubrick’s The Killing, George Hill’s The Sting and Sidney Lumet’s Dog Day Afternoon) would always have audiences, the arithmetic progression (with common difference 1) of characters and numerical suffixes in film name could not last for very long.
For example, in due course, when the 212th movie in the franchise is in the making it will be decidedly tough to fit in 212 different characters with as many sub plots into a 2-hour movie. Or for instance, the problems Ocean’s 666 will face, being condemned by religious groups as an act of Satan. If that isn’t convincing enough, think of some far future when half the world’s population will have to play lead roles in Oceans Three Billion Ninety Three Million Nine hundred Thousand Four hundred and Eighty Six? This arithmetic progression of characters, Soderbergh realized, was a very dangerous thing. Imagine the budgets he would have to organize! And the number of Vanity Vans!
Taking this into account, the filmmaker decided to put a new spin on the numeric in the nomenclature, using the numeric to denote something other than a character addition. Thus, Ocean’s Thirteen is about the teenage years of our heisting protagonists. There are rumours that the next film in the Ocean franchise will be Ocean’s Sixty Nine, the terribly interesting plot details for which are available on the Internet as an Oral clip.
Onwards to the movie releasing this week though – Ocean’s Thirteenth Year.
The movie begins with a pleasing close-up (particularly pleasing for the men folk in the audience to note that young George was a really ugly young boy, what with years of gushing from women about Clooney’s looks) of a 13-year-old Danny Ocean, played by a young George Clooney. All the other boys including Pitt, Damon and Andy Garcia join him, each competing for the years Most Annoying Child on Screen award. It turns out that all the kids are juvenile delinquents with a fetish for extra candy (sweets and toffees, not a girl named Candy. Candy, the girl, makes an appearance in Ocean’s Sixty Nine, as do some other interesting fetishes. My lips are sealed though! Anyway 13 isn’t that kind of movie. Kids can watch it, especially illegally)
Yeah, so the kids want extra candy and since this is a heist film, decide to steal it from the Candy Shop run by a 60-year-old failed white singer called 50 Cents for the Candy Bar (played by Al Pacino), who keeps lamenting his failed career as a hip-hop musician blaming his arthritis ridden hips for impeding his hopping.
What follows plays out like a sad rendition of ‘How much is that Doggie in the window?’ repeated over and over. Let me know if you liked the movie. Maybe I’ll send you some Candy.
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
Friday, June 01, 2007
31 May 2007 - Pirates III
OPM*
Presents – Poirots of the Caribbean
I have had it with Viagra Spam! Every day people called Patricia Webbe, Doco Loco and Porsche Mary send me email about how I can safely buy the performance-enhancing drug cheap, in just a few minutes, over the Internet. Since I am a pretty two-dimensional person (as you’ve all noticed I’m severely lacking in the third dimension – Depth) with severe low esteem, Viagra Spam has had me worrying about whether people know something I haven’t realized yet. I have spent many hours this past week analysing several rather embarrassing things at an anthropological level, involving complex physical phenomena such as levers and fulcrum. After spending several afternoons in despair, I was brought some cheer when it came to my notice that my favourite movie franchise would release its third instalment this week. Yes, Captain Jack and his friends are coming to your neighbourhood, in the summer’s most awaited movie: Pirates of the Caribbean – At Wit’s end.
This week’s OPM takes a look at what the movie promises. We will need a little background info to begin with –
As the second instalment of the franchise was not as well received as the first movie, the studio decided that they needed to change the plot substantially to revive interest in Captain Jack Sparrow and his cohorts. To this end they ran a workshop in the Caribbean (around the same time the Cricket Worldcup was being played there) to rework the script for the third movie. After a tremendous amount of waxing and waning, not to mention some amount of mooning by 3 sexually repressed writers (yes, most of us are afflicted), inspiration hit them when the Woolmer murder flew into the resulting public outrage, across media everywhere. Why not turn the third movie into a whodunit? Due to the inexperience of their writers in writing for the genre they decided to turn to the grand dame of mystery, Agatha Christie and her civilian gendarme protagonists, for help. The intricate universe of characters from Agatha Christie’s books sets up the basis for the movie’s plot, also borrowing heavily from her 1964 publication, A Caribbean Mystery.
The suitably renamed Poirots of the Caribbean sees Johnny Depp reprise his role as Captain Jack Sparrow, but with a psychodynamic twist that would make Freud proud. Captain Jack keeps his name, but inhibiting him, somewhere between his Id and Super ego, is Dame Christie’s well-loved Belgian detective, Hercule Poirot (pronounced Hercule, as in Ridicule, Poirot as in Poor Rot) No, I don’t believe in silent alphabets. I say, call a spade a spade, dammit!
Jack Sparrow is made resplendent as Depp meshes Captain Jack’s irrepressible irresponsibility with Poirot’s droll wit, Jack’s effeminate prancing with Poirot’s haute-couture French suits and Jack’s cavalier womanising with Poirot’s opinion of Miss Lemon.
Johnny Depp puts on several kilos and goes bald to play this memorable character, especially with his anagrammatic bon mots and tongue in cheek humour that causes severe embarrassment to several Victorian women as it usually involves his tongue in someone else’s cheeks.
Keira Knightley plays Miss Marple; a thin sickly girl who misses her friend called Marple sorely and is determined to be in an adventure to find her. Her curiously eponymous character is the object of Inspector Japp’s affections, who consequently proceeds to inspect her at every given opportunity. (Orlando Bloom, a famous flowering tree from the city of Orlando FL plays Inspector Japp) Having to contend with Japp at every step Captain Jack tries to make the best of the situation by quoting the anagram: Menage a trois is an orgies team. (not that this works, but life goes on as Jack continues to savour the joys of savium with Miss Marple!)
To this eclectic mix is thrown in Geoffrey Rush, playing a wretched version of Sherlock Holmes who sports a monkey called Dr.Watson (a brilliant bit of evolutionary reversal that this character poses: a monkeying doctor or a doctored monkey?) on his shoulder.
The villain of the piece, a cross between Moriarty and a Chinese villain called Ichi the Killer is played by Chow Yun Fat (as a result of which, he is very obese)
It turns out that every character ends up on a ship sailing to Europe from the Caribbean, for reasons of their own. Captain Jack is hoping to display some tongue-in-cheek humour for Miss Marple’s benefit when Japp is not inspecting her. Sherlock is onboard, as someone has fooled his monkey into believing that the boat is sailing to a Banana Republic. Chow Yun Fat is trying to lose weight by being the solitary oarsman for the ship.
Things go nutty, when halfway into the Atlantic Ocean; Chow Yun Fat discovers that all the rowing has made him extremely fit. He stops rowing and a row erupts among the passengers.
What will happen as the ocean churns unhappily around this stationary ship and Captain Jack goes on a roll with his pithy anagrams (Dual gender is general dud, Humble arrogance is changeable rumor etc), trying to figure out who will row the boat? Go watch the movie to find out!
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
Presents – Poirots of the Caribbean
I have had it with Viagra Spam! Every day people called Patricia Webbe, Doco Loco and Porsche Mary send me email about how I can safely buy the performance-enhancing drug cheap, in just a few minutes, over the Internet. Since I am a pretty two-dimensional person (as you’ve all noticed I’m severely lacking in the third dimension – Depth) with severe low esteem, Viagra Spam has had me worrying about whether people know something I haven’t realized yet. I have spent many hours this past week analysing several rather embarrassing things at an anthropological level, involving complex physical phenomena such as levers and fulcrum. After spending several afternoons in despair, I was brought some cheer when it came to my notice that my favourite movie franchise would release its third instalment this week. Yes, Captain Jack and his friends are coming to your neighbourhood, in the summer’s most awaited movie: Pirates of the Caribbean – At Wit’s end.
This week’s OPM takes a look at what the movie promises. We will need a little background info to begin with –
As the second instalment of the franchise was not as well received as the first movie, the studio decided that they needed to change the plot substantially to revive interest in Captain Jack Sparrow and his cohorts. To this end they ran a workshop in the Caribbean (around the same time the Cricket Worldcup was being played there) to rework the script for the third movie. After a tremendous amount of waxing and waning, not to mention some amount of mooning by 3 sexually repressed writers (yes, most of us are afflicted), inspiration hit them when the Woolmer murder flew into the resulting public outrage, across media everywhere. Why not turn the third movie into a whodunit? Due to the inexperience of their writers in writing for the genre they decided to turn to the grand dame of mystery, Agatha Christie and her civilian gendarme protagonists, for help. The intricate universe of characters from Agatha Christie’s books sets up the basis for the movie’s plot, also borrowing heavily from her 1964 publication, A Caribbean Mystery.
The suitably renamed Poirots of the Caribbean sees Johnny Depp reprise his role as Captain Jack Sparrow, but with a psychodynamic twist that would make Freud proud. Captain Jack keeps his name, but inhibiting him, somewhere between his Id and Super ego, is Dame Christie’s well-loved Belgian detective, Hercule Poirot (pronounced Hercule, as in Ridicule, Poirot as in Poor Rot) No, I don’t believe in silent alphabets. I say, call a spade a spade, dammit!
Jack Sparrow is made resplendent as Depp meshes Captain Jack’s irrepressible irresponsibility with Poirot’s droll wit, Jack’s effeminate prancing with Poirot’s haute-couture French suits and Jack’s cavalier womanising with Poirot’s opinion of Miss Lemon.
Johnny Depp puts on several kilos and goes bald to play this memorable character, especially with his anagrammatic bon mots and tongue in cheek humour that causes severe embarrassment to several Victorian women as it usually involves his tongue in someone else’s cheeks.
Keira Knightley plays Miss Marple; a thin sickly girl who misses her friend called Marple sorely and is determined to be in an adventure to find her. Her curiously eponymous character is the object of Inspector Japp’s affections, who consequently proceeds to inspect her at every given opportunity. (Orlando Bloom, a famous flowering tree from the city of Orlando FL plays Inspector Japp) Having to contend with Japp at every step Captain Jack tries to make the best of the situation by quoting the anagram: Menage a trois is an orgies team. (not that this works, but life goes on as Jack continues to savour the joys of savium with Miss Marple!)
To this eclectic mix is thrown in Geoffrey Rush, playing a wretched version of Sherlock Holmes who sports a monkey called Dr.Watson (a brilliant bit of evolutionary reversal that this character poses: a monkeying doctor or a doctored monkey?) on his shoulder.
The villain of the piece, a cross between Moriarty and a Chinese villain called Ichi the Killer is played by Chow Yun Fat (as a result of which, he is very obese)
It turns out that every character ends up on a ship sailing to Europe from the Caribbean, for reasons of their own. Captain Jack is hoping to display some tongue-in-cheek humour for Miss Marple’s benefit when Japp is not inspecting her. Sherlock is onboard, as someone has fooled his monkey into believing that the boat is sailing to a Banana Republic. Chow Yun Fat is trying to lose weight by being the solitary oarsman for the ship.
Things go nutty, when halfway into the Atlantic Ocean; Chow Yun Fat discovers that all the rowing has made him extremely fit. He stops rowing and a row erupts among the passengers.
What will happen as the ocean churns unhappily around this stationary ship and Captain Jack goes on a roll with his pithy anagrams (Dual gender is general dud, Humble arrogance is changeable rumor etc), trying to figure out who will row the boat? Go watch the movie to find out!
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
Sunday, May 27, 2007
24th May 2007 - Cheeni Kum
There are 12 reviews between this one and Salaam-e-Ishq that I have not had the time to post here. Will do it sometime soon.
OPM*
Presents – Cheeni Kum OR A Little Less Chinese OR Sugah Daddy
In this Year of the Chinese Pig, er, Chinese Pig Ear, er, Year of the Pig according to the Chinese calendar, this a truly absurd way to start an article.
Let me start differently and come back to delicious pig ears, Chinese style, later. A little information about China first.
China is one of the world's oldest continuous civilizations, which is very unlike the Australian’s who are rarely civilized, especially on the cricket field. China also has the world's longest continuously used written language system, illustrated by the fact that it takes huge reams of paper and 7 buckets of paint to write simple stuff like ‘Mao was a great leader’. Consequently, it turns out that no one writes that sentence much anymore and that China has the least amount of graffiti in restrooms, school desks and train loos. (For instance, no one goes through the trouble of changing a ‘To let’ board to read ‘Toilet’. Its just too much work)
Ancient China developed four great inventions, none of which helped their civilization for lack of complimenting inventions, paper (no writing instruments), the compass (no travel industry, no boats), gunpowder (no guns, no conquests either because the Great Wall was in the way) and printing (no newspaper companies, Johannes Gutenberg was in Germany)
However, this did not get them down much and they have merrily multiplied ever since, revelling in this pleasurable physical arithmetic, as a result of which there are more Chinese than any other form of human being in the world today. English and many other languages use various forms of the name "China" and the prefix "Sino-" or "Sin-". These forms are thought to be derived from the continuous multiplication of the Chinese, which was deemed sinful by religious missionaries in the Middle Ages (in an encouraging trend in recent years, middle aged people are often tired of the Missionary position, regardless of religion).
As a close competitor in the multiplication race, India shares a unique relationship with China.
This weeks’ OPM takes a look at ‘Cheeni Kum’ that personifies the relationship India doesn’t share with China, suggesting new ways to tackle problems and evolve together.
In this auspicious year to produce babies in China, with Pig ear sales picking up and condom sales bottoming out, Director Balki wisely discards his advertising career to foray into the world of films, taking some courageous stands while he is at it.
Disclaimer: Homosexual and Chinese jokes ahead. I am absolutely certain that the gay community isn’t better or worse than the rest of us, which is precisely why I will take the liberty of cracking jokes at their expense just like I take pot shots at Hair dressers, Punjabis, Malayalees, Germans, Hindus, Himesh Reshamiya, Christians, Navjot Sidhu, Politicians, Adnan Sami, myself and everyone else. We are all pretty similar, except Himesh and the Politicians, perhaps.
Our story starts with a low angle shot of Beijing, which we realize is Beijing through the eyes of our central character. The central character played by Amitabh Bachchan, is Budha Dev, a short pony-tailed man who is up to his neck with his job as the Head Chef at the Beijing Hilton. A bold career decision for Amitabh, considering that this is the first time he is playing a little man on screen. (A role that, in cruel irony, befittingly matches his public image post the UP elections and terribly embarrassing Aish-Shek rituals: that of a little man)
Anyway, Amitabh is a chef who is sick of Chinese restaurants all over Beijing. Ignoring the fact that he is in China, he becomes xenophobic, in a foreign land about the native population. He begins to hate all things Chinese and proceeds to hack away at bonsai’s and noodles whenever he encounters them. At night he kidnaps Pekinese pet dogs named Ping and Pong, Yin and Yang and Mao and Tao selling them to an upmarket Dog Soup company on Tiananmen Square.
He then opens his own restaurant, which serves all cuisines except Chinese. He positions himself as a master chef by publishing a series of cookbooks in pictures. For the average Chinese, a picture cookbook is a huge improvement over reading 90036 alphabets to learn to make an omelette. He becomes a great rage in Beijing and at the height of this short man’s success Tabu I Ching, a beautiful Chinese woman played by Tabu (the actress, not the board game), walks into his restaurant. The chef falls instantly for this dish, knocking over several bowls of exotic pasta in the process.
As we admire Balki’s courage in mixing Xenophobia and Love, he calculates another wholesome number into the equation, by introducing Paresh Rawal as Tabu’s gay father. Paresh falls head over heels in love with Amitabh’s character, knocking over several bowls of the same pasta again (shockingly, this twice-floored pasta is cooked and served to diners at the restaurant)
Soon our main characters visit a crowded pub, where Amitabh feels very wet around the ear. After ignoring it for the first few minutes, he discovers that it isn’t his inexperience but his girlfriend’s pater’s saliva. He shudders and dives into a temporary opening in the crowd, leaving father and daughter to confront each other.
To Balki’s credit his characters, after some contemplation, come to the conclusion that men with homosexual preferences have to take their chances whenever they can. Since there are so few of them out there who are not hiding in little mental closets and shoe cabinets, the gay man/woman just has to hit on everybody he can, to maximise his chances of finding a mate. At bus stops, in theatres, at the circus, at church, in the temples, at art shows, at photo studios and massage parlours, at schools and in offices, at dance bars and stereo shops...everywhere. It is unfortunate. Circumstance does not afford them too many choices.
After all, buggers can’t be choosers.
Thus ends this brilliant movie that one hopes will improve Indo-China relations, inspire homosexuals to free up closet space, reduce population explosion and improve adoption rates by encouraging same sex marriages, help clothing brands sell more Chinos, help this columnist meet attractive Chinese women and enable Balki to make his next film based on the degradation of porn, starring the Big and the Extra Small (no pun intended) B’s.
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
OPM*
Presents – Cheeni Kum OR A Little Less Chinese OR Sugah Daddy
In this Year of the Chinese Pig, er, Chinese Pig Ear, er, Year of the Pig according to the Chinese calendar, this a truly absurd way to start an article.
Let me start differently and come back to delicious pig ears, Chinese style, later. A little information about China first.
China is one of the world's oldest continuous civilizations, which is very unlike the Australian’s who are rarely civilized, especially on the cricket field. China also has the world's longest continuously used written language system, illustrated by the fact that it takes huge reams of paper and 7 buckets of paint to write simple stuff like ‘Mao was a great leader’. Consequently, it turns out that no one writes that sentence much anymore and that China has the least amount of graffiti in restrooms, school desks and train loos. (For instance, no one goes through the trouble of changing a ‘To let’ board to read ‘Toilet’. Its just too much work)
Ancient China developed four great inventions, none of which helped their civilization for lack of complimenting inventions, paper (no writing instruments), the compass (no travel industry, no boats), gunpowder (no guns, no conquests either because the Great Wall was in the way) and printing (no newspaper companies, Johannes Gutenberg was in Germany)
However, this did not get them down much and they have merrily multiplied ever since, revelling in this pleasurable physical arithmetic, as a result of which there are more Chinese than any other form of human being in the world today. English and many other languages use various forms of the name "China" and the prefix "Sino-" or "Sin-". These forms are thought to be derived from the continuous multiplication of the Chinese, which was deemed sinful by religious missionaries in the Middle Ages (in an encouraging trend in recent years, middle aged people are often tired of the Missionary position, regardless of religion).
As a close competitor in the multiplication race, India shares a unique relationship with China.
This weeks’ OPM takes a look at ‘Cheeni Kum’ that personifies the relationship India doesn’t share with China, suggesting new ways to tackle problems and evolve together.
In this auspicious year to produce babies in China, with Pig ear sales picking up and condom sales bottoming out, Director Balki wisely discards his advertising career to foray into the world of films, taking some courageous stands while he is at it.
Disclaimer: Homosexual and Chinese jokes ahead. I am absolutely certain that the gay community isn’t better or worse than the rest of us, which is precisely why I will take the liberty of cracking jokes at their expense just like I take pot shots at Hair dressers, Punjabis, Malayalees, Germans, Hindus, Himesh Reshamiya, Christians, Navjot Sidhu, Politicians, Adnan Sami, myself and everyone else. We are all pretty similar, except Himesh and the Politicians, perhaps.
Our story starts with a low angle shot of Beijing, which we realize is Beijing through the eyes of our central character. The central character played by Amitabh Bachchan, is Budha Dev, a short pony-tailed man who is up to his neck with his job as the Head Chef at the Beijing Hilton. A bold career decision for Amitabh, considering that this is the first time he is playing a little man on screen. (A role that, in cruel irony, befittingly matches his public image post the UP elections and terribly embarrassing Aish-Shek rituals: that of a little man)
Anyway, Amitabh is a chef who is sick of Chinese restaurants all over Beijing. Ignoring the fact that he is in China, he becomes xenophobic, in a foreign land about the native population. He begins to hate all things Chinese and proceeds to hack away at bonsai’s and noodles whenever he encounters them. At night he kidnaps Pekinese pet dogs named Ping and Pong, Yin and Yang and Mao and Tao selling them to an upmarket Dog Soup company on Tiananmen Square.
He then opens his own restaurant, which serves all cuisines except Chinese. He positions himself as a master chef by publishing a series of cookbooks in pictures. For the average Chinese, a picture cookbook is a huge improvement over reading 90036 alphabets to learn to make an omelette. He becomes a great rage in Beijing and at the height of this short man’s success Tabu I Ching, a beautiful Chinese woman played by Tabu (the actress, not the board game), walks into his restaurant. The chef falls instantly for this dish, knocking over several bowls of exotic pasta in the process.
As we admire Balki’s courage in mixing Xenophobia and Love, he calculates another wholesome number into the equation, by introducing Paresh Rawal as Tabu’s gay father. Paresh falls head over heels in love with Amitabh’s character, knocking over several bowls of the same pasta again (shockingly, this twice-floored pasta is cooked and served to diners at the restaurant)
Soon our main characters visit a crowded pub, where Amitabh feels very wet around the ear. After ignoring it for the first few minutes, he discovers that it isn’t his inexperience but his girlfriend’s pater’s saliva. He shudders and dives into a temporary opening in the crowd, leaving father and daughter to confront each other.
To Balki’s credit his characters, after some contemplation, come to the conclusion that men with homosexual preferences have to take their chances whenever they can. Since there are so few of them out there who are not hiding in little mental closets and shoe cabinets, the gay man/woman just has to hit on everybody he can, to maximise his chances of finding a mate. At bus stops, in theatres, at the circus, at church, in the temples, at art shows, at photo studios and massage parlours, at schools and in offices, at dance bars and stereo shops...everywhere. It is unfortunate. Circumstance does not afford them too many choices.
After all, buggers can’t be choosers.
Thus ends this brilliant movie that one hopes will improve Indo-China relations, inspire homosexuals to free up closet space, reduce population explosion and improve adoption rates by encouraging same sex marriages, help clothing brands sell more Chinos, help this columnist meet attractive Chinese women and enable Balki to make his next film based on the degradation of porn, starring the Big and the Extra Small (no pun intended) B’s.
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
Thursday, April 12, 2007
25 Jan 2007 - Salaam-e-ishq
OPM*
Presents – Salami – Ishq
A long time ago as evolution turned monkey into early man a lot of things began to change. Nudity was replaced by modesty and concepts like breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacking came into existence. Some Early People were emotionally drained as they watched animals being used as food and gave up eating meat, thus becoming the earliest vegetarians.
These Early Vegetarians were ill equipped for a vegetarian life since farming had not yet been invented and passed away really quickly.
It was only well after humanity had fine-tuned farming that some people could afford to give up omnivorous ways and go back to being vegetarian as a fashion statement. Some others are vegetarian even today for emotional reasons. They can’t digest animals enduring punishment so that humans can get their nourishment. I want to ask these people how they are sure plants don’t feel pain. Or for that matter vegetables. To illustrate, imagine the pain that potatoes and corn go through when the little ones in their families are plucked to make a stew or a starter. They are called Baby potatoes and Baby corn for a reason. Vegetarians are separating them from Momma and Poppa Potatoes and Corn every time they cook!
Like we learnt in school, man and for that matter, woman is/are Omnivorous.
This brings us to this week’s release, which is peppered with Non-vegetarian humour.
Salami-Ishq (For the love of Salami) is the story of 6 groups of people. These groups are not strictly groups; they are more like 6 couples. Though, not couples in the strict sense; the term ‘couple’ is used metaphorically as in ‘a couple of drinks (till we get drunk)’ or ‘the Indian medium pacer Couple Dev (hopefully Malcolm Marshall)’. The 6 couples are from different parts of the world; from different walks, runs, marathons, hash-runs of life (none, unfortunately from the Bangalore Walk). They are ignorant about each other's existence, but end up being brought together by destiny, fate and the one thing that connects all of them, Salami.
Salami, a commonly used breakfast meat, might sound simple enough but isn’t. Let us learn then, why Salami holds a connection to the lives of these couples. We will borrow from the reams written on the subject by Stephen who hawks a tome called ‘A Brief history of Salami’.
A Salame (plural: salami) is a cured sausage of Italian tradition, which means that traditionally if you have an ill sausage on your hands, you go looking for an Italian who can cure it. The name comes from the Italian verb salare (which is different from the Hindi word aalare, meaning ‘he’s coming’), meaning 'to salt'.
This salt connection is why we must remember to watch this movie with a pinch of salt.
Historically, salami has been popular amongst Italian peasants due to being a meat product able to be stored at room temperature, especially since refrigerators were expensive.
A traditional salame is made from a mixture that may include the following:
-Chopped pork (you have no chopped pork? What? Pigs have wings now?)
-Wine (no, no! you can’t have a couple of drinks with that wine!)
-Salt (yes, we need a pinch of salt. No, not metaphorically)
-Various Herbs and Spices (nobody is really sure which ones to use. No, not the eatery in Indiranagar)
Other types of salami include imported brands, which are ideal, especially as you don’t need to prepare them.
A sneak peak into some of the stories that make up Salami-Ishq:
Story 1:Vidya Balan wakes up in the morning to find an anniversary gift by her bedside. It is a packet of rare South Italian Paprika Salami from her loving husband, John Abra-ham. She is excited as she relishes the feel of the fine meat and understands that the gift is a metaphor for their relationship. They are completely crazy about each other and find it quite difficult to keep their hands off each other.
But where did Abra-ham acquire this Salami?
Story 2:Govinda wakes up in the morning and gets into his colorful taxi(two colors, yellow and black). He rams into a blond called Stephanie who runs a meat-manufacturing unit in Italy. The huge bag of packaged meat that she is carrying careens out of control and large packets of salami are plastered all over the ever present traffic jam, making a continental breakfast of it. They fall in love and the meat is forgotten, which makes their love a ‘pure’ kind of love (as in ‘pure veg food’). Meat being forgotten also works well for Govinda as there is a lot of meat on him that needs to be forgotten.
Characters played by Salman, Priyanka, Anil, Juhi and four other actors of various sizes inhabit the remaining four stories. To find out more about this paean to red meat (not to be confused with communist recipes) go watch the movie.
As you watch the movie, you will wonder if the ticket price you paid is a real world metaphor for a kind of computer fraud called Salami fraud. In the salami technique, criminals/directors steal money or resources a bit at a time. But well, that is your food for thought.
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
Presents – Salami – Ishq
A long time ago as evolution turned monkey into early man a lot of things began to change. Nudity was replaced by modesty and concepts like breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacking came into existence. Some Early People were emotionally drained as they watched animals being used as food and gave up eating meat, thus becoming the earliest vegetarians.
These Early Vegetarians were ill equipped for a vegetarian life since farming had not yet been invented and passed away really quickly.
It was only well after humanity had fine-tuned farming that some people could afford to give up omnivorous ways and go back to being vegetarian as a fashion statement. Some others are vegetarian even today for emotional reasons. They can’t digest animals enduring punishment so that humans can get their nourishment. I want to ask these people how they are sure plants don’t feel pain. Or for that matter vegetables. To illustrate, imagine the pain that potatoes and corn go through when the little ones in their families are plucked to make a stew or a starter. They are called Baby potatoes and Baby corn for a reason. Vegetarians are separating them from Momma and Poppa Potatoes and Corn every time they cook!
Like we learnt in school, man and for that matter, woman is/are Omnivorous.
This brings us to this week’s release, which is peppered with Non-vegetarian humour.
Salami-Ishq (For the love of Salami) is the story of 6 groups of people. These groups are not strictly groups; they are more like 6 couples. Though, not couples in the strict sense; the term ‘couple’ is used metaphorically as in ‘a couple of drinks (till we get drunk)’ or ‘the Indian medium pacer Couple Dev (hopefully Malcolm Marshall)’. The 6 couples are from different parts of the world; from different walks, runs, marathons, hash-runs of life (none, unfortunately from the Bangalore Walk). They are ignorant about each other's existence, but end up being brought together by destiny, fate and the one thing that connects all of them, Salami.
Salami, a commonly used breakfast meat, might sound simple enough but isn’t. Let us learn then, why Salami holds a connection to the lives of these couples. We will borrow from the reams written on the subject by Stephen who hawks a tome called ‘A Brief history of Salami’.
A Salame (plural: salami) is a cured sausage of Italian tradition, which means that traditionally if you have an ill sausage on your hands, you go looking for an Italian who can cure it. The name comes from the Italian verb salare (which is different from the Hindi word aalare, meaning ‘he’s coming’), meaning 'to salt'.
This salt connection is why we must remember to watch this movie with a pinch of salt.
Historically, salami has been popular amongst Italian peasants due to being a meat product able to be stored at room temperature, especially since refrigerators were expensive.
A traditional salame is made from a mixture that may include the following:
-Chopped pork (you have no chopped pork? What? Pigs have wings now?)
-Wine (no, no! you can’t have a couple of drinks with that wine!)
-Salt (yes, we need a pinch of salt. No, not metaphorically)
-Various Herbs and Spices (nobody is really sure which ones to use. No, not the eatery in Indiranagar)
Other types of salami include imported brands, which are ideal, especially as you don’t need to prepare them.
A sneak peak into some of the stories that make up Salami-Ishq:
Story 1:Vidya Balan wakes up in the morning to find an anniversary gift by her bedside. It is a packet of rare South Italian Paprika Salami from her loving husband, John Abra-ham. She is excited as she relishes the feel of the fine meat and understands that the gift is a metaphor for their relationship. They are completely crazy about each other and find it quite difficult to keep their hands off each other.
But where did Abra-ham acquire this Salami?
Story 2:Govinda wakes up in the morning and gets into his colorful taxi(two colors, yellow and black). He rams into a blond called Stephanie who runs a meat-manufacturing unit in Italy. The huge bag of packaged meat that she is carrying careens out of control and large packets of salami are plastered all over the ever present traffic jam, making a continental breakfast of it. They fall in love and the meat is forgotten, which makes their love a ‘pure’ kind of love (as in ‘pure veg food’). Meat being forgotten also works well for Govinda as there is a lot of meat on him that needs to be forgotten.
Characters played by Salman, Priyanka, Anil, Juhi and four other actors of various sizes inhabit the remaining four stories. To find out more about this paean to red meat (not to be confused with communist recipes) go watch the movie.
As you watch the movie, you will wonder if the ticket price you paid is a real world metaphor for a kind of computer fraud called Salami fraud. In the salami technique, criminals/directors steal money or resources a bit at a time. But well, that is your food for thought.
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
Jan 18 2007 - Risk
You can see, if you are a regular reader of this blog(which is very very very unlikely) that I have reused some earlier material!
OPM*
Presents – Risky Business
Wikipedia informs me that Risk is a concept that denotes a potential negative impact to an asset that may arise from some present or future event. In everyday usage, "risk" is often used synonymously with the probability of a loss. For example, the risk of rain versus how badly your suede shoes will stain.
Further risk could include, rain not affecting your suede shoes versus realization that your shoes are made of fake suede.
i.e. Risk = (probability of an event) x (losses per event)
Now these terribly technical terms will need some explanation.
An event is something that happens. This usually requires movement of some kind, which explains why many people opine that this lazy author is ‘not happening’.
Probability is much more confusing and is directly linked to Heisenberg's uncertainity principle, which postulates that Uncertainity cannot be accurately forecast.
Heisenberg was himself quite uncertain of the whole thing but he couldn't blame himself, as he had already proved that uncertainity was not predictable, unless it was. But one could never tell, for sure.
The ideas behind Probability and uncertainty, struck Heisenberg as he finished cooking an elegant meal for himself. This thought, though, enabled him to create prize winning science papers, while most of us tend to add salt when struck by the very same thought, " Something's missing “.
To put it simply, Probability and Risk are like Bollywood scripts. There is no telling where they could head. To understand the true poignance of this statement please watch Hindi movies where joyously happy families/mothers/elder siblings/fathers/benevolent maids etc realize that they have lost one or more little children at the Kumbh Mela (which, incidentally, was invented by Rajshree Productions as a film setting for losing kids/parents/lovers etc. The Kumbh Mela as such has no historical relevance and was initially created as a film set in the 1930's before it grew into popular legend and culture as a place where pious people performed rituals in the water and young voyeurous lechers checked out the women. It’s a good thing though and everyone goes home satisfied)
Our story starts as the lens moves through a dolly shot (based on the book; Ending Cloning, the day Dolly the sheep was Shot) of a garden in disrepair.
There are trees slouching to protect their space and plants doing badly in a corner as the camera pans to a close-up of our hero who is trembling, clutching a gun.
Run-deep is a Risk Analyst with a leading portfolio management firm.
But herein lies the twist. The Portfolio Management firm exclusively does business for terrorists, warlords, mafia, lawyers and the BCCI. Their market analysts have roam around with guns, to protect themselves from irate clients.
As the story progresses we begin to realize that the story arc is an uncompromising and honest look at an improbable world and shows the same commitment to realism and starkness as a Justice League or Swat Cat cartoon.
It turns out that Run-deep has run himself into deep trouble with a set of clients headed by Osama Bush (President of the international court of lenience for troublemakers) by investing in bad business ideas like the ten rupee diamond, Team India and the Bachchan-Rai engagement. To make things worse Run-deep is a paranoid literalist who mistakes Bull and Bear markets to be gladiatorial battlefields where market analysts fight fierce animals. This makes him very touchy and trigger-happy, especially around animals. PETA is hounding him for shooting at several squirrels, poisonous snakes, vicious dogs and Salman Kahn.
His bugbear, Osama Bush (played by Vinod Khanna) wears a beard to hide the pallor that affects people who have lived their lives manipulating and deceiving people over monstrously flawed ideas like God, Political honesty and nationalism.
As Run-deep has invested his dishonestly earned money in such risky assets, he is baying for his blood.
He kidnaps Run-deep’s girlfriend, Tanushree who is a dancer at a bar called Risque.
Will Run-deep take grave risks to save his girlfriend? Does Osama Bush risk the grave in Iraq and Afghanistan? Will you risk reading next weeks OPM?
Anyway, do remember what this movie preaches – Life mein Risk lena padta hai, which means - don't worry about the risk of rain in Pondicherry or wherever else you are going, but do pack an umbrella.
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
OPM*
Presents – Risky Business
Wikipedia informs me that Risk is a concept that denotes a potential negative impact to an asset that may arise from some present or future event. In everyday usage, "risk" is often used synonymously with the probability of a loss. For example, the risk of rain versus how badly your suede shoes will stain.
Further risk could include, rain not affecting your suede shoes versus realization that your shoes are made of fake suede.
i.e. Risk = (probability of an event) x (losses per event)
Now these terribly technical terms will need some explanation.
An event is something that happens. This usually requires movement of some kind, which explains why many people opine that this lazy author is ‘not happening’.
Probability is much more confusing and is directly linked to Heisenberg's uncertainity principle, which postulates that Uncertainity cannot be accurately forecast.
Heisenberg was himself quite uncertain of the whole thing but he couldn't blame himself, as he had already proved that uncertainity was not predictable, unless it was. But one could never tell, for sure.
The ideas behind Probability and uncertainty, struck Heisenberg as he finished cooking an elegant meal for himself. This thought, though, enabled him to create prize winning science papers, while most of us tend to add salt when struck by the very same thought, " Something's missing “.
To put it simply, Probability and Risk are like Bollywood scripts. There is no telling where they could head. To understand the true poignance of this statement please watch Hindi movies where joyously happy families/mothers/elder siblings/fathers/benevolent maids etc realize that they have lost one or more little children at the Kumbh Mela (which, incidentally, was invented by Rajshree Productions as a film setting for losing kids/parents/lovers etc. The Kumbh Mela as such has no historical relevance and was initially created as a film set in the 1930's before it grew into popular legend and culture as a place where pious people performed rituals in the water and young voyeurous lechers checked out the women. It’s a good thing though and everyone goes home satisfied)
Our story starts as the lens moves through a dolly shot (based on the book; Ending Cloning, the day Dolly the sheep was Shot) of a garden in disrepair.
There are trees slouching to protect their space and plants doing badly in a corner as the camera pans to a close-up of our hero who is trembling, clutching a gun.
Run-deep is a Risk Analyst with a leading portfolio management firm.
But herein lies the twist. The Portfolio Management firm exclusively does business for terrorists, warlords, mafia, lawyers and the BCCI. Their market analysts have roam around with guns, to protect themselves from irate clients.
As the story progresses we begin to realize that the story arc is an uncompromising and honest look at an improbable world and shows the same commitment to realism and starkness as a Justice League or Swat Cat cartoon.
It turns out that Run-deep has run himself into deep trouble with a set of clients headed by Osama Bush (President of the international court of lenience for troublemakers) by investing in bad business ideas like the ten rupee diamond, Team India and the Bachchan-Rai engagement. To make things worse Run-deep is a paranoid literalist who mistakes Bull and Bear markets to be gladiatorial battlefields where market analysts fight fierce animals. This makes him very touchy and trigger-happy, especially around animals. PETA is hounding him for shooting at several squirrels, poisonous snakes, vicious dogs and Salman Kahn.
His bugbear, Osama Bush (played by Vinod Khanna) wears a beard to hide the pallor that affects people who have lived their lives manipulating and deceiving people over monstrously flawed ideas like God, Political honesty and nationalism.
As Run-deep has invested his dishonestly earned money in such risky assets, he is baying for his blood.
He kidnaps Run-deep’s girlfriend, Tanushree who is a dancer at a bar called Risque.
Will Run-deep take grave risks to save his girlfriend? Does Osama Bush risk the grave in Iraq and Afghanistan? Will you risk reading next weeks OPM?
Anyway, do remember what this movie preaches – Life mein Risk lena padta hai, which means - don't worry about the risk of rain in Pondicherry or wherever else you are going, but do pack an umbrella.
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
Jan 11 2007 - Guru
OPM*
Presents – Guru and crew
Our story starts in the little village of Idhar, where Gurukant (played by Abhishek) has been raised by very middle class parents.
Middle class in a village where one is rich if they have a radio. The village of Idhar (Hindi=>meaning ‘Over Here’) has been neglected by mainstream civilization. This is because, when travellers ask for directions to ‘Over Here’ people look at them strangely and say ‘over here is obviously right here’.
But young Gurukant has many dreams. His parents wake him up early and disturb his dreams just when he is getting to the best parts, though. (Parents everywhere are known to do this. This is usually achieved by switching off the ceiling fan or making loud noises over the announcement of something as ordinary as morning coffee)
Su-jata (played by Su-nehri from Dhoom 2) enters Gurukant’s life, while he is lying idly in his father’s fields dreaming vivid daydreams. Su-jata is singing songs in the rain, as that is the only entertainment available in little Idhar, especially as her parents don’t own a radio. She wakes Gurukant when she steps on him and this turns out to be a big step-up for both of them. Gurukant thinks he is still dreaming and proceeds to pinch himself and Su-jata silly to ensure he isn’t dreaming.
A World Famous-in-Idhar romance begins. Tabs are kept on Gurukant and Su-jata by armies of little children who are bunking school to get a taste of reality-television kind of time-pass. Once everyone else has discussed them as an item, the parents are informed and a marriage is in the offing. The astrologer is called in. This is the turning point of the tale and we will require a brief detour to put things into perspective.
Jyotish, a system of astrology, has been part of the Indian way of life for ages. Jyotish is the instructional element of the Rig Veda (the rigging was done at large scale and millions of rupees were lost by the public), and is referred to as the Eye of the Veda (inspiring the later day song, Eye of the Tiger which caused several Save the Tiger environmentalists to froth at the mouth), for its alleged ability to view both phenomenal reality and wisdom, but do nothing about either.
Many Indians believe, without good reason, that humans have fortune and misfortune in life because of karma (a fashionable word in spiritual western company). Jyotish attributes the downs in life to the influence of planets, and religious ceremonies are performed to mitigate bad karma. This was reason enough to inspire people to believe in other unbelievable things like the Aum Shrinkyo sect, Communism, Religion, the Pink Unicorn, the revolving teacup and George W. Bush.
Astrologers prescribe special stones (yes, expensive ones) or meditation techniques using mantras (hit item numbers from ancient times) to those facing difficult or unclear futures as predicted by Jyotish. This is always a good thing, especially for astrologers.
Some astrological terms:
Jaatak Shaastra (horoscopy)- Oh the horrors in your horoscope! Pay me quickly. (Started by the authors of fiction who wrote the Jataka tales)
Swar Shaastra- Your name sucks. Let me change it. Pay me quickly.
Ravi Shastri – The Indian team sucks. Cut their pay.
Back to our story then! The astrologer announces that Su-jata has a kujadosham and that the man she marries will suffer. (Kujadosham is brought on by the effect of Mars, which shows an aggressive nature. Astrology doesn’t like aggressive women, it seems and for a woman to be aggressive is a dosha or a fault!!)
After performing several yagnas Gurukant realizes that he will have to study astrology himself to figure out a way to get married.
He studies hard for a couple of weeks at the University in Benares, but gives up when he realizes that astrology can be made up as one goes along. He gets married and begins to use astrology to earn a living. After considering Gurucan, Gurukant drops the ‘kant’ and becomes Guru.
His fame spreads far and wide (but never near and narrow). His very words are taken literally causing a lot of confusion. Examples:
Guru: If you don’t dream you will be stuck to your village. (Many villagers migrate to cities and vice versa, while still others spend a lot of time ensuring there is no glue on their footwear)
Guru: I don’t want to walk. I want to run (many children run away from school, some men run away from work)
Guru: When you run fast, you raise a lot of dust (P.T. Usha loses the gold at the Olympics, as she is looking back to see the dust)
Guru: I wish I met Mallika Sherawat (So do the rest of us)
But a young reporter (played by Madhavan) realizes that astrology and Guru are ruining the country. He publishes an impassioned plea to see the light (no one is willing to look at the light as there is a solar eclipse on)
The reporter writes:
Do you believe that information in the far past can influence what we are doing now or in the recent past or in the immediate future?
Why do i ask? Consider these facts.
The Sun is eight light minutes away from the Earth, a distance of about 160 million kilometres, which rules out a taxi ride.
So if I were to look at you or Gisele Bundchen from the sun, I would see a picture of what you, or more interestingly, she was doing eight minutes earlier. Conversely, when you look up into the sky and see the sun, you are a getting a picture that is eight minutes old. Over galactic distances the speed of light becomes noticeable. The nearest star Alpha Centauri is 4 light years away. So when we see Alpha Centauri in the sky it is a 4-year-old picture. The universe has about a hundred billion galaxies the nearest of which is Andromeda. Andromeda is 4 million light years away. If someone in the galaxy of Andromeda were to cast his telescope on Earth he would look 4 million years into our past and maybe catch a few glimpses of the earliest flat-faced Neanderthals, with some luck, one of the attractive ones - A 4 million year old picture.
As we peer farther and farther in to space we are peering farther and farther into the past.
All those constellations are pictures from the past too. The actual configurations just now are totally different, because all the stars have moved and it is a completely changed night sky.
Thus, no astrologer can predict anything but the past, based on the stars they see in the sky. Guru especially.
Will Madhavan’s article kick up dust even though he is not running? To find out, watch this melancholy tale with a Dahlian twist. (Not Dahlia the flower, Dahl the author)
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
Coming soon..
Have been busy experiencing fatherhood. Will put up all OPM articles Jan through April one of these day!
Hope the 2 or 3 people who visit this desolation are doing well.
Cheers!
Hope the 2 or 3 people who visit this desolation are doing well.
Cheers!
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Jan 4 2007 - StormBreaker
OPM*
Presents – Storm in my Baby Bottle
The columnist who writes this column is, thankfully, on vacation. Since he is one of those adults, who likes giving young people a chance he let me do this week's preview. He tells me that it makes him feel good, but I think he is just taking time off to buy his wonderful wife some unimaginative presents for her birthday.
Anyway I’m only one year old, so I'm starting really young. Before I turned one recently, I’m guessing I was zero. I have many names. Mama calls me booboo and Cutchupie and Arun depending on the time of day. I have noticed that she calls me Arun when i do stuff I am not supposed to do, so I’m guessing that is a bad word.
After some consideration I’ve realized that I must either be Cutchupie or Booboo. You can call me whatever you like as long as you don’t call me Arun.
This week’s release is a movie called ‘Storm Breaker’ which, I’m guessing, is about someone very like me when I’m breaking toys. Somebody in the movie is definitely breaking storms, though I don’t know what a storm is. Mama says I’ll have to look up the dictionary to find out about storms. Problem is, I don’t know what dictionary means so I don’t know where to start looking. On another note, it is my Mama’s birthday today and I wish her a very happy birthday though I can’t buy her anything, as no one will pay me to break toys or damage nappies, and those are the only things I know to do very well.
To preview ‘Storm Breaker’ I’ll really need to know what all these complicated words like complicated mean. Also, young children like me don't see the world the same way as adults (it helps that our idea of war is GI Joe, while happiness is a stash of chocolate). We usually see things from a lower angle, have difficulty seeing things as a whole, and concentrate only on parts of things - usually the parts we're looking at. So I’m going to sit in a time machine and grow up to write the rest of the preview. (This is easy for us toddlers as we can imagine almost anything. Why!? I once imagined that everyone on earth had become nice, even George Bush! )
Whoosh! (That’s the sound a time machine should make. ‘Swish!’ will also do)
Well, that does it then! I’m 29 years old in the year 2035 and I can do that preview (though not technically as the movie released 28 years ago), without using words like ‘like’, ‘guess’, ‘very’ and ‘so’ so many times.
Presenting then, for your special relish, plump English words stewed and stuffed in the right quantities to add that garnish of silly stupidity to your life: The Storm Breaker Preview
Based on the 1st in the series of books by Anthony Horowitz, Storm Breaker starring Ewan McGregor, Mickey Rourke, Andy Serkis of LOTR ‘Gollum’ fame and that fantastic author/actor Stephen Fry, is the story of young Alex Rider who doesn’t even own a bicycle.
He spends his time thinking up bad humour (much like the author of this column) based on the Matrix movies:
Ex:
The One. Neo. NEO is anagram of The One.I, Alex, will be the new anagrammatic superhero, ENO.
As Eno I will surf the gastroenterical tracts dispelling Agent Acidity and company to oblivion. I will guard the gateways to the intestinal Zion; fight tooth, nail and Smithy etc etc
OR: Other Matrix fantasies gone wrong like -
I will not be The One.
I will be more than that.
I will be The Two.
Buy one get one free.
But when his uncle Ian Rider dies mysteriously while watching an Indian Television channel on board a new airline called the Storm Breaker, Alex is drawn into a terrific ride which shows him unveiling secrets unknown to humanity in ancient 2007. He discovers the great secret of the airline industry and of flight in general. The revelation unfolds, as he reads a painfully slow book called “ Atlas Shrugged and said ‘So what?’ ”, that “flight” of any form on Planet Earth is a great myth.
Birds do not fly.They stay stationary in the air. It is the earth Spinning which causes the illusion that they are flying. The whole flapping of wings routine is to ward off insects, mostly flies.
Consequently, it is also revealed that all the airline industry has ever done is build anti gravity aircraft, which can stay stationary in air and use the Earths’ spin to cause the illusion of having travelled. All delays are caused due to storms as the pilot, whose only job is to ensure that the plane faces the right direction as the earth spins, can’t see which direction to turn the plane. Storm Breakers are a new kind of plane that can see through storms while beating gravity. The problems arise when Storm-Breaker’s promoters decide to reveal the truth about flight to the general public and there is a cry of outrage from the publishers of important journals like the Superman Comic.
Does Alex manage to solve the mystery of his uncle’s death on board the Storm Breaker? Does he find out which daily soap on Indian TV killed him? Will Anti-Gravity Man comics beat Superman sales to pulp?
Watch!
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Dec 28 2006 - Misc.
OPM*
Presents – Message in the Cans
Ever since the birth of cinema, Great Film Directors have provided us insights and visions that have affected language, culture and the human condition in progressive ways. Some examples are listed below:
Stanley Kyon-Brick who questioned the usage of bricks in construction, opened people’s eyes to paper homes. The Japanese, in a rare instance of precognition, have been building paper homes for centuries, which in turn protect them during earthquakes. Earthquakes occur due to movements in the Earth’s tectonic plates, which to humanity are as obscure as the innards of a washing machine or the actions of the left footed stillbat (virendrus sehwagum). It has been debated (by very boring geologists with no social life) that the tectonic plates of the earth could be called something else. All of them know that their argument has devolved into a semantic debate, but no one wants to put an end to the endless stream of conferences and conference calls that serve as a platform for free lunches.
Woody Allen gave the world the practise of saying ‘knock on wood’ which can mean different things in different circumstances, for example: if one were buried alive in a casket versus if one were a carpenter. He also gave us the All American term for teenagers falling awake: ‘woody’.
Ingmar Bergman gave us a delightful Swedish name.
Alfred Hitchcock, of course, cannot be discussed here, as this is a family paper.
It can be argued that lesser-than-great and much-lesser-than-great directors can teach us valuable lessons about Life, The Universe and Obesity too. (To get into a debate on the veracity of this statement, please find some boring geologists)
I will illustrate by giving you a sneak peek into three movies that release this week:
Kudiyon ka hai Zamaana is a fantasy, set in a world where hormonal impulses of the sexes are reversed because of a freak accident involving George Bush and some nuclear weapons. This is a world of wide and expansive heterosexual zones where women scout for men in the evenings. A world which enables women hunting in packs of two and three, looking for innocent men and boys to pick up for the evening. Oh Israel! (Forgive me that burst of emotion!)
Rekha, Vasundhara, Kim and Mahima are four friends living in a world that has been recently altered. They come to terms with their surging basic instincts (albeit, later than Sharon Stone) and have just begun revelling in checking out men at the workplace, in restaurants, hardware shops and traffic lights. They are though, very upset as men, who’ve been hormonally altered too, are now playing hard to get.
Suddenly everything in the world changes as Wars are called off and Sport on television takes a TRP nosedive. Greeting card companies have to alter their entire range, as do manufacturers of most other goods since women aren’t interested in shopping for long hours anymore.
Economies are completely shattered due to these changes, before marketing managers around the world figure out that all they need to do is target men in their advertising. Soon men are well informed about bargains on shoes, cosmetics and handbags and drag their spouses out on Sundays to these monstrous ‘Big Sale’ events across assorted malls around the world. The mini-trouser and the backless shirt are invented and there is a big hue and cry over the Big Bee exposing in his next movie. Men take a sudden shine for Italian cuisine, except in Italy where Japanese food is the flavour of the month. Pornography finally becomes an equal opportunity employer and male porn stars have affairs with famous women politicians like Condoleeza Rice. Three million cases of husband beating are reported in Haryana and Punjab.
What happens to the four friends? Will they fight monogamy? Will they manage to catch a few beers during the weekend? The movie helps us examine gender issues and finally decide that monogamy is a sin.
I See You: Arjun Rampal, a great pal of a guy called Ram (very popular in the Ayodhya area), is a doctor who specializes in the Intensive Care Unit or the I.C.U. The rest of the plot is pretty inconsequential the movie only serves to remind us that some models shouldn’t try acting.
I leave you with the poetic message that the third release of the week, Anwar, preaches:
An-war, is bad grammar for One war,
And one war is going just too far,
Like the film itself,
And Santa’s twelve elves,
I’d like to tell you boys,
To order some naughty toys,
And make love, not war.
Happy Holidays!
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
Presents – Message in the Cans
Ever since the birth of cinema, Great Film Directors have provided us insights and visions that have affected language, culture and the human condition in progressive ways. Some examples are listed below:
Stanley Kyon-Brick who questioned the usage of bricks in construction, opened people’s eyes to paper homes. The Japanese, in a rare instance of precognition, have been building paper homes for centuries, which in turn protect them during earthquakes. Earthquakes occur due to movements in the Earth’s tectonic plates, which to humanity are as obscure as the innards of a washing machine or the actions of the left footed stillbat (virendrus sehwagum). It has been debated (by very boring geologists with no social life) that the tectonic plates of the earth could be called something else. All of them know that their argument has devolved into a semantic debate, but no one wants to put an end to the endless stream of conferences and conference calls that serve as a platform for free lunches.
Woody Allen gave the world the practise of saying ‘knock on wood’ which can mean different things in different circumstances, for example: if one were buried alive in a casket versus if one were a carpenter. He also gave us the All American term for teenagers falling awake: ‘woody’.
Ingmar Bergman gave us a delightful Swedish name.
Alfred Hitchcock, of course, cannot be discussed here, as this is a family paper.
It can be argued that lesser-than-great and much-lesser-than-great directors can teach us valuable lessons about Life, The Universe and Obesity too. (To get into a debate on the veracity of this statement, please find some boring geologists)
I will illustrate by giving you a sneak peek into three movies that release this week:
Kudiyon ka hai Zamaana is a fantasy, set in a world where hormonal impulses of the sexes are reversed because of a freak accident involving George Bush and some nuclear weapons. This is a world of wide and expansive heterosexual zones where women scout for men in the evenings. A world which enables women hunting in packs of two and three, looking for innocent men and boys to pick up for the evening. Oh Israel! (Forgive me that burst of emotion!)
Rekha, Vasundhara, Kim and Mahima are four friends living in a world that has been recently altered. They come to terms with their surging basic instincts (albeit, later than Sharon Stone) and have just begun revelling in checking out men at the workplace, in restaurants, hardware shops and traffic lights. They are though, very upset as men, who’ve been hormonally altered too, are now playing hard to get.
Suddenly everything in the world changes as Wars are called off and Sport on television takes a TRP nosedive. Greeting card companies have to alter their entire range, as do manufacturers of most other goods since women aren’t interested in shopping for long hours anymore.
Economies are completely shattered due to these changes, before marketing managers around the world figure out that all they need to do is target men in their advertising. Soon men are well informed about bargains on shoes, cosmetics and handbags and drag their spouses out on Sundays to these monstrous ‘Big Sale’ events across assorted malls around the world. The mini-trouser and the backless shirt are invented and there is a big hue and cry over the Big Bee exposing in his next movie. Men take a sudden shine for Italian cuisine, except in Italy where Japanese food is the flavour of the month. Pornography finally becomes an equal opportunity employer and male porn stars have affairs with famous women politicians like Condoleeza Rice. Three million cases of husband beating are reported in Haryana and Punjab.
What happens to the four friends? Will they fight monogamy? Will they manage to catch a few beers during the weekend? The movie helps us examine gender issues and finally decide that monogamy is a sin.
I See You: Arjun Rampal, a great pal of a guy called Ram (very popular in the Ayodhya area), is a doctor who specializes in the Intensive Care Unit or the I.C.U. The rest of the plot is pretty inconsequential the movie only serves to remind us that some models shouldn’t try acting.
I leave you with the poetic message that the third release of the week, Anwar, preaches:
An-war, is bad grammar for One war,
And one war is going just too far,
Like the film itself,
And Santa’s twelve elves,
I’d like to tell you boys,
To order some naughty toys,
And make love, not war.
Happy Holidays!
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release
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