Dec 28 2006 - Misc.

OPM*
Presents – Message in the Cans



Ever since the birth of cinema, Great Film Directors have provided us insights and visions that have affected language, culture and the human condition in progressive ways. Some examples are listed below:
Stanley Kyon-Brick who questioned the usage of bricks in construction, opened people’s eyes to paper homes. The Japanese, in a rare instance of precognition, have been building paper homes for centuries, which in turn protect them during earthquakes. Earthquakes occur due to movements in the Earth’s tectonic plates, which to humanity are as obscure as the innards of a washing machine or the actions of the left footed stillbat (virendrus sehwagum). It has been debated (by very boring geologists with no social life) that the tectonic plates of the earth could be called something else. All of them know that their argument has devolved into a semantic debate, but no one wants to put an end to the endless stream of conferences and conference calls that serve as a platform for free lunches.
Woody Allen gave the world the practise of saying ‘knock on wood’ which can mean different things in different circumstances, for example: if one were buried alive in a casket versus if one were a carpenter. He also gave us the All American term for teenagers falling awake: ‘woody’.
Ingmar Bergman gave us a delightful Swedish name.
Alfred Hitchcock, of course, cannot be discussed here, as this is a family paper.

It can be argued that lesser-than-great and much-lesser-than-great directors can teach us valuable lessons about Life, The Universe and Obesity too. (To get into a debate on the veracity of this statement, please find some boring geologists)
I will illustrate by giving you a sneak peek into three movies that release this week:


Kudiyon ka hai Zamaana is a fantasy, set in a world where hormonal impulses of the sexes are reversed because of a freak accident involving George Bush and some nuclear weapons. This is a world of wide and expansive heterosexual zones where women scout for men in the evenings. A world which enables women hunting in packs of two and three, looking for innocent men and boys to pick up for the evening. Oh Israel! (Forgive me that burst of emotion!)
Rekha, Vasundhara, Kim and Mahima are four friends living in a world that has been recently altered. They come to terms with their surging basic instincts (albeit, later than Sharon Stone) and have just begun revelling in checking out men at the workplace, in restaurants, hardware shops and traffic lights. They are though, very upset as men, who’ve been hormonally altered too, are now playing hard to get.
Suddenly everything in the world changes as Wars are called off and Sport on television takes a TRP nosedive. Greeting card companies have to alter their entire range, as do manufacturers of most other goods since women aren’t interested in shopping for long hours anymore.
Economies are completely shattered due to these changes, before marketing managers around the world figure out that all they need to do is target men in their advertising. Soon men are well informed about bargains on shoes, cosmetics and handbags and drag their spouses out on Sundays to these monstrous ‘Big Sale’ events across assorted malls around the world. The mini-trouser and the backless shirt are invented and there is a big hue and cry over the Big Bee exposing in his next movie. Men take a sudden shine for Italian cuisine, except in Italy where Japanese food is the flavour of the month. Pornography finally becomes an equal opportunity employer and male porn stars have affairs with famous women politicians like Condoleeza Rice. Three million cases of husband beating are reported in Haryana and Punjab.
What happens to the four friends? Will they fight monogamy? Will they manage to catch a few beers during the weekend? The movie helps us examine gender issues and finally decide that monogamy is a sin.

I See You: Arjun Rampal, a great pal of a guy called Ram (very popular in the Ayodhya area), is a doctor who specializes in the Intensive Care Unit or the I.C.U. The rest of the plot is pretty inconsequential the movie only serves to remind us that some models shouldn’t try acting.

I leave you with the poetic message that the third release of the week, Anwar, preaches:
An-war, is bad grammar for One war,
And one war is going just too far,
Like the film itself,
And Santa’s twelve elves,
I’d like to tell you boys,
To order some naughty toys,
And make love, not war.


Happy Holidays!



* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release