Jan 11 2007 - Guru

OPM*
Presents – Guru and crew


Our story starts in the little village of Idhar, where Gurukant (played by Abhishek) has been raised by very middle class parents.
Middle class in a village where one is rich if they have a radio. The village of Idhar (Hindi=>meaning ‘Over Here’) has been neglected by mainstream civilization. This is because, when travellers ask for directions to ‘Over Here’ people look at them strangely and say ‘over here is obviously right here’.
But young Gurukant has many dreams. His parents wake him up early and disturb his dreams just when he is getting to the best parts, though. (Parents everywhere are known to do this. This is usually achieved by switching off the ceiling fan or making loud noises over the announcement of something as ordinary as morning coffee)
Su-jata (played by Su-nehri from Dhoom 2) enters Gurukant’s life, while he is lying idly in his father’s fields dreaming vivid daydreams. Su-jata is singing songs in the rain, as that is the only entertainment available in little Idhar, especially as her parents don’t own a radio. She wakes Gurukant when she steps on him and this turns out to be a big step-up for both of them. Gurukant thinks he is still dreaming and proceeds to pinch himself and Su-jata silly to ensure he isn’t dreaming.
A World Famous-in-Idhar romance begins. Tabs are kept on Gurukant and Su-jata by armies of little children who are bunking school to get a taste of reality-television kind of time-pass. Once everyone else has discussed them as an item, the parents are informed and a marriage is in the offing. The astrologer is called in. This is the turning point of the tale and we will require a brief detour to put things into perspective.

Jyotish, a system of astrology, has been part of the Indian way of life for ages. Jyotish is the instructional element of the Rig Veda (the rigging was done at large scale and millions of rupees were lost by the public), and is referred to as the Eye of the Veda (inspiring the later day song, Eye of the Tiger which caused several Save the Tiger environmentalists to froth at the mouth), for its alleged ability to view both phenomenal reality and wisdom, but do nothing about either.
Many Indians believe, without good reason, that humans have fortune and misfortune in life because of karma (a fashionable word in spiritual western company). Jyotish attributes the downs in life to the influence of planets, and religious ceremonies are performed to mitigate bad karma. This was reason enough to inspire people to believe in other unbelievable things like the Aum Shrinkyo sect, Communism, Religion, the Pink Unicorn, the revolving teacup and George W. Bush.
Astrologers prescribe special stones (yes, expensive ones) or meditation techniques using mantras (hit item numbers from ancient times) to those facing difficult or unclear futures as predicted by Jyotish. This is always a good thing, especially for astrologers.

Some astrological terms:
Jaatak Shaastra (horoscopy)- Oh the horrors in your horoscope! Pay me quickly. (Started by the authors of fiction who wrote the Jataka tales)
Swar Shaastra- Your name sucks. Let me change it. Pay me quickly.
Ravi Shastri – The Indian team sucks. Cut their pay.

Back to our story then! The astrologer announces that Su-jata has a kujadosham and that the man she marries will suffer. (Kujadosham is brought on by the effect of Mars, which shows an aggressive nature. Astrology doesn’t like aggressive women, it seems and for a woman to be aggressive is a dosha or a fault!!)
After performing several yagnas Gurukant realizes that he will have to study astrology himself to figure out a way to get married.

He studies hard for a couple of weeks at the University in Benares, but gives up when he realizes that astrology can be made up as one goes along. He gets married and begins to use astrology to earn a living. After considering Gurucan, Gurukant drops the ‘kant’ and becomes Guru.

His fame spreads far and wide (but never near and narrow). His very words are taken literally causing a lot of confusion. Examples:
Guru: If you don’t dream you will be stuck to your village. (Many villagers migrate to cities and vice versa, while still others spend a lot of time ensuring there is no glue on their footwear)
Guru: I don’t want to walk. I want to run (many children run away from school, some men run away from work)
Guru: When you run fast, you raise a lot of dust (P.T. Usha loses the gold at the Olympics, as she is looking back to see the dust)
Guru: I wish I met Mallika Sherawat (So do the rest of us)

But a young reporter (played by Madhavan) realizes that astrology and Guru are ruining the country. He publishes an impassioned plea to see the light (no one is willing to look at the light as there is a solar eclipse on)

The reporter writes:
Do you believe that information in the far past can influence what we are doing now or in the recent past or in the immediate future?
Why do i ask? Consider these facts.
The Sun is eight light minutes away from the Earth, a distance of about 160 million kilometres, which rules out a taxi ride.
So if I were to look at you or Gisele Bundchen from the sun, I would see a picture of what you, or more interestingly, she was doing eight minutes earlier. Conversely, when you look up into the sky and see the sun, you are a getting a picture that is eight minutes old. Over galactic distances the speed of light becomes noticeable. The nearest star Alpha Centauri is 4 light years away. So when we see Alpha Centauri in the sky it is a 4-year-old picture. The universe has about a hundred billion galaxies the nearest of which is Andromeda. Andromeda is 4 million light years away. If someone in the galaxy of Andromeda were to cast his telescope on Earth he would look 4 million years into our past and maybe catch a few glimpses of the earliest flat-faced Neanderthals, with some luck, one of the attractive ones - A 4 million year old picture.
As we peer farther and farther in to space we are peering farther and farther into the past.
All those constellations are pictures from the past too. The actual configurations just now are totally different, because all the stars have moved and it is a completely changed night sky.
Thus, no astrologer can predict anything but the past, based on the stars they see in the sky. Guru especially.


Will Madhavan’s article kick up dust even though he is not running? To find out, watch this melancholy tale with a Dahlian twist. (Not Dahlia the flower, Dahl the author)



* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release