Dec 14th - Coming Attractions

OPM*
Presents - Coming soon (er or later)


Making movies is a difficult job. Getting a movie released, though, is even more difficult. It is just like how my friend Shouvik, who makes possibly the best momos in the world, has never sold any. This is because of a phenomenon called Economics.
Economics was a religion founded by Adam Smith in the 18th century based on a book called ‘The Wealth of Nations (and how we can loot it)’ written by the 12th century saint Genghis Khan.
There are of course other reasons why your movie might remain unreleased.

Sometimes you end up making a really bad movie that gets edited by you, the censor board and religious fundamentalists; Edited so much, that often you have to re-shoot, to fill in the huge gaps left by editing the parts you originally thought, were the best portions (usually steamy scenes involving your female protagonist in various stages of undress, very rarely in a steam bath)
For example, I once made a movie that had to be edited out completely, mainly because I was the actor, director, choreographer etc. I was finally left with only the End-Credits and ended up crediting my bankers in hope that they would not sue me.

The director of an unreleased film must have patience and should remember that there is a time and place for everything, though the last time and place where everything was dates back 13.7 billion years ago to the Big Bang, when everything was at the same place at the same time. So some of these movies might have to wait for the Big Fizzle to happen (the Big Fizzle is grammatically the other end of a Big Bang. No not scientifically) to get released. Which is no time soon, not counting other Big Fizzle events like Karisma and Madhuri’s comeback movies or the inevitable end of the affair we all know as AishShek.

Today, we will take a look at some movies that have remained unreleased for a long time, ending with Ka-bull Express (no relation to Ba-Bull Inc. that released last week), which has actually managed a release this week.

Aryan: Aryan is a touching story about a shadow-boxer’s fight to achieve his dreams. Aryan (Sohil Khan) is born to fight. But he is a shy, reticent Chinaman, who rarely steps out of the shadows. Hence, he becomes the college shadowboxing champ and under the tough training of his coach he dreams of winning the nationals. His Love, Neha (Sneha Ulal), is more than just his better half, especially since she’s put on a lot of weight. Aryan needs her to be around all the time while practicing shadowboxing, as he needs another shadow to fight. But life takes a turn when they marry and Aryan gives up fighting and his dreams because his mum told him never to fight after marriage. They start living a common man’s life but this is difficult since one of them is a woman and R.K.Laxman’s ‘Common Man’ doesn’t seem to be doing anything except eavesdropping. Aryan decides to take up shadowboxing again to support his family, but realizes that his wife left him three days into their marriage when he couldn’t buy her caviar and that he has been talking to the shadow of an old vase for several months now. Will Aryan be able to win the Nationals? Is he truly unbreakable? What are the Nationals?
As you probably have guessed this movie has remained unreleased for 2 reasons:
Most of the movie is dark since it deals with shadows
Everyone thought that as a Chinaman, Aryan could never be unbreakable. (I broke the china again! How will we serve tea? I wish China were unbreakable)

WordPerfect: WordPerfect, a tight action thriller, set in the backdrop of The World Scrabble Competition was to be Bill Gates’s entry to filmdom. Then there were news leaks about how he was actually dyslexic (like my godo freeind Snady, er.. like my good friend Sandy) and the movie never could get a release.

Traffic Sandwich: Traffic Sandwich was made as a telling comment on life in heavily populated cities with terrible roads (if I remember right, Bangalore) but found no release in target cities since no one was willing to wade through traffic and drive to the theatre to watch their own lives on screen.

The Life and Times of Ouches Krakkergaard: Never released, as no one knew of Ouches Krakkergaard (an Australian master craftsman who made invincibly tough cricket crotch guards)

Finally we come to Kabull Express, which releases this week. Kabull Express is the story of 2 journalists who go to Kabull in search of WMDs (no not Weapons of Mass Destruction, Well Made Diapers) They believe that people in Kabull have perfected the art of making tremendously well made diapers since they live in a country with acute water shortage. Instead, the journos end up meeting Osama Bin Laden and realize that Osama is indeed not laden with anything (hence Osama bin Laden). Which means Osama carries no baggage but poor old George W will get punished for the baggage he’s been carrying ever since little Osama beat him at Tippy Toe (a game invented by the both of them when Bush Senior was waging the last war over oil.. er Kuwait, which involves stepping on each other’s toes)
In any case, I’m checking out the WMDs tomorrow since fatherhood beckons in January! What about you?

* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
**OPM appears in the Thursday edition of Bangalore BIAS and previews a Friday release