28 Sept 2006 - John Tucker Must Die

OPM*

Presents - John Tucker comes Unstuck


I envy people. No, not all people. But people who eat junk food all their life and then develop a negligible potbelly when they turn 45.
It just isn’t fair! These people never get their just desserts! They just keep having as many desserts as they want.

I, on the other hand, have lived my life in the fear of that extra kilo. I’ve dined on Atkins, supped on the GM diet, run a couple of half marathons and am still about 8 kilos overweight.
People like me, to pace our wardrobes to our waistlines, continue spending small fortunes every year. We have believed, for unreasonable amounts of time, that the Slim Sauna Belt is worthy of Design awards. (This is usually the amount of time it takes to call the sales line, tell a bewildered sales person that you would actually like to order the belt, assure him it isn’t a prank call, receive the product and open the packaging to find that it isn’t that design-hot. The pain is worse when you realize that even though they call it the slim-sauna you cant really use it as a belt for your pants as they haven’t made belt loops that large as yet)
Us, obesity-prone yahoos, have also realized that gym is called gym because it is for gymnasts and athletes and all those people who keep sportswear companies going. We are always going to be the fat ones chugging away at the treadmill and providing encouragement to thinner and fitter people, much in the way George Bush provides mirth to all.
It is for us that they invented liposuction. Nobody knows why it is called “Lipo-suction” though. They understand the suction part, but no one has dope on what ‘Lipo’ is. Lipo rhymes with Hippo, come to think of it.
We have followed studies in vague magazines like Vogue about how Weight watchers in USA have more success at watching their weight than people in India and other Commonwealth countries.

All the assorted mysteries that intrepid obese explorers have been trying to unravel are cleared up in this weeks release “John Tucker Must Die”.


John Tucker is the world’s most famous liposuction expert. Hence the name, John Tucker. He is also a handsome man with jet-black hair who claims to be only 29 years old. No one believes him and there is a cry in social circles that John Tucker Must Dye (his hair).
As a liposuction expert, he has built a huge fortune thinning down wealthy obese clients including Paris Hiltown, her Chihuahua, and Fatboy Slim, the rap artist.
Fat people flock to him much like huge herds of flying elephants, as his liposuction procedure, remarkably, leaves people with great skin and a great basal metabolic rate.
There are rumours though that he sells all the fat he accumulates, mining his celebrity clients, for huge sums on online ecommerce sites for the celebrity crazy. The CIA and the IRS want him to come clean, else his fat is on the fire.

The story arc goes on to show how John Tucker, with the help of his three girlfriends, Tomie, Dickie and Harini, clears up his name by showing that he has never performed liposuction. In an almost famous court scene he says:

Tucker: All I know about Liposuction, is that Lipo derives its name from the old Latin word for “The Head”, i.e. The Lipo of the family, Julius Caesar.
I’m only a gym instructor with 7 anaesthetist credits at Medical school. I have never given Lipo. (He gets warned for using bad language in court for this)
All I do is anaesthetize my clients and wrap them up in my Giant Sauna Belt for about 3 days. It really works. Call 800 200 9898 today! (He gets warned for using marketing language in court for this)

It all ends happily when NASA cancels 17 space missions to commission 3 Giant Sauna Belts instead.

Somewhere in the subtext was hidden for me the answer to why Weight Watchers in USA do better than their Commonwealth counterparts. In USA they watch the pounds. We are watching the Kilos, damn it!

For actual dope on Liposuction go to: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liposuction


* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.

Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.