21 Sept 2006 - Wickerman

OPM*

Presents - Wicker Doors

You know that it would be untrue,
You know that I would be a liar,
If I were to say to you mom,
I couldn’t get much higher

Come on lady, lift me higher
Come on lady, lift me higher

Mommy I really need that lyre
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Lift me higher
Lift me higher yeah yeah

- Little Jim Morrison


Jim Morrison’s father, Morris, who named him Jim Morrison, was a man who married a Gym Instructor. Jim’s mommy was weirder than his father, if you can believe that. She insisted that every desire of little Jim’s would be met if he climbed trees, the taller the better. Jim, whose childhood ambition was to own a lyre and play it after he set fire to his home, just couldn’t climb Rosewood trees as he was in love with a girl named Rose. The lyrics above, were written by Little Jim, as a tribute to his struggle to get a lyre. The poems he wrote about his childhood aspirations formed the basis for the lyrics he wrote for The Doors later in life.

This week’s release is a movie based on these early years of Jim’s life. Since it is only about Jim and not about the band ‘The Doors’ it is aptly called Door.

Oops, or is that Door without an extra o – Dor! I’ve no preview, unfortunately, for Nagesh Kukunoor’s Dor, so we will take a look at what Nicholas Cage’s “The Wickerman”, that releases tomorrow, is about.

Wickertionary.com Unabridged (v 1.0.1)
wicker  /ˈwɪk ər/ Pronunciation Key [wik-er] - A flexible branch or twig of a plant such as willow, used in weaving baskets and furniture

Cage plays a man who owns a furniture store that deals exclusively in Wickerwork. Unfortunately the branches and twigs he’s been getting as raw material are only as flexible as his own facial muscles. This means that he can only make wickerwork curtain rods and walking sticks. The curtains come down on his business soon enough and he decides to experiment with wicker till he finds the best wicker possible. In the course of his experiments he has an accident involving a truckload of wicker and 3 espresso machines.
When he wakes up he finds he can spin webs of wicker a la Spiderman. He jumps off his balcony only to realize that wicker webs don’t stick and is badly hurt. This doesn’t deter him and he becomes a superhero – WickerMan!

To get buzz going he advertises in the personals column offering his services as WickerMan Superhero. This done, he worries about a costume and a secret identity (he has neither but is not naked). As he doesn’t have the body to carry off the innerwear-outside style adopted by so many superheroes, he wears normal clothes bought at the mall.
He begins receiving calls for help, but usually when someone wants a wickerwork sofa mended. In addition to this, he has no friends, as the better-known superheroes are an exclusive set. He has to settle for 2nd and 3rd grade superhero friends like CycleRepairMan, WatchMan, YesMan and ManFriday. They sit in a pub all day in hope that honest citizens will need their help. CycleRepairMan helps a child with his tricycle but that doesn’t really bring them cheer.

Meanwhile, on the Internet, a fat evil nerd called Newman is spreading WickerMan jokes like:

Superman: Lois, I wish I knew my own strength! I can never fix your plumbing without damaging everything.
Lois: I know what we’ll do. Lets call on WeakerMan!

Or

Batman: Vicki, all my underwear is in the laundry. What do I do?
Vicki Vale: I know what we’ll do. Lets call on KnickerMan!

WickerMan, all upset and riled turns neurotic, writing poems like-

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
And so am I.

Finally he decides to invent his own mission. He pretends that he has been called upon to investigate the disappearance of a young girl, Alice, who was last seen next to a rabbit hole. Newman ruins it for him by asking questions on National TV about Lewis Carroll.

WickerMan breaks down and confesses on Oprah, after which, in gratitude, he weaves up a wicker chair for her on the show. All ends well when he is given hundreds of orders on the show and WickerMan becomes a millionaire.



* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.

Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.