I love it when people wax eloquent over words said or read, and soundbites like 'deep meaning' and 'profound eloquence' emerge.
It offers deep profound eloquent insights into those people.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Monday, September 18, 2006
OPM* - SHIVA (or) Shiva’s Regal Story (or) The Shivers
Last week, Objects in the Preview Mirror came out into the world with no warning or explanations. Like a blackhead or a Nadal 3rd round loss at the US Open.
This week, I intend to set the record straight and make the intent of this column even less clear.
Being an avid movie watcher I have gathered one very important fact. This is that people will continue to watch movies however unreal, miscast, boring, tepid or unimaginative the promos are. This column, hence, is dedicated to all those moviegoers who will continue to watch movies in spite of them being written about here.
Once in a while I aim to give you some small relief, hopefully comic, to fill in the time between driving, working and living in this city.
Today we will look at what Shiva, that releases tomorrow, could be about.
It all starts when Shirke is appointed Minister of Sport. Shirke is a lazy corrupt man who decides that gambling is a sport and ties up with Drug Dealers who want to invest money in casinos.
Meanwhile:
Shiva is an honest cop who pays for his chai and paan even though he doesn’t consume either. (Several people leave him cash for chai-paani)
His main grouse is against gamblers of all kinds. This is because all through his adolescence, his father, a tabla player, would lose at gambling and then practice his version of the teen mar on him (not the percussion rhythm, the practice of hitting teenagers)
Shiva gets an intelligence report from a stool pigeon in Shirke’s offices that Shirke has connections with Drug Dealers.
Shiva gets riled when he hears mention of Drug Dealers, because of his aversion to gambling and Dealers of all kinds.
Thus starts his war against the Dealer cartel. When he arrests 37 car dealers on basis of their visiting cards, he gets demoted.
His girlfriend, Nisha Kothari, a yellow journalist promises to put him in touch with someone who can help.
Enter Karriappan. Karriappan runs a Dvd piracy cartel. He has problems communicating with people because his entire vocabulary is in the language of Film. His driver never understands when he asks to rewind (reverse) the car and gets fined by the police twice for parallel parking.
In spite of these troubles, he runs a professional Dvd piracy outfit called
“Pirates of the Karriappan”. Being a bit of a pervert, all the women on his team have cards that say “Privates of the Karriappan”. This is his second favourite joke. (His favourite is – What is the difference between Mallika Sherawat and RGV? One has a lot to show, while the other has a lot to say.)
No one except Nisha Kothari has ever laughed at either of these and he is forever indebted to her. Nisha is actually a great actress who manages to convince Karriappan that she was laughing with and not at him.
Shiva meets Karriappan to discuss strategies to get at the Drug Dealers. Karriappan gives him box sets of Karan Johar movies that will compel the Dealers to fall in love amidst blossoms and sunflowers. He also tells Shiva that he could have a bright future as an actor and that he must prepare himself for an actor’s life. In the Interrogation Chamber Shiva starts focussing the lights on himself. This foxes all the criminals he interrogates and they confess to crimes they haven’t committed. Shiva thus solves 27% of the cases in Indian criminal courts in 14 days. This is a better record than any policeman in fiction and he gets rewarded with a trip to Brindavan Gardens.
All the Drug Dealers are there with bouquets in hand romancing Nisha Kothari who is now enjoying her work as a fulltime stool pigeon, instead of churning out crap for yellow journals.
Shiva rounds up the drug dealers and they confess that though they have been shirking work at the casinos because of the box sets they received, this is actually a good thing. They give him evidence against Minister Shirke, who has also been shirking work, which, in his case, is not a good thing.
Shirke is jailed. The Drug Dealers become Drug Lords when they get knighted for no reason, thus ending Shiva’s war with them. Nisha Kothari falls off a stool and gets fired because as a stool pigeon one really has to stay on the stool. She joins Karriappan’s team and he hands her a card that reads “Privates of the Karriappan”.
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
This week, I intend to set the record straight and make the intent of this column even less clear.
Being an avid movie watcher I have gathered one very important fact. This is that people will continue to watch movies however unreal, miscast, boring, tepid or unimaginative the promos are. This column, hence, is dedicated to all those moviegoers who will continue to watch movies in spite of them being written about here.
Once in a while I aim to give you some small relief, hopefully comic, to fill in the time between driving, working and living in this city.
Today we will look at what Shiva, that releases tomorrow, could be about.
It all starts when Shirke is appointed Minister of Sport. Shirke is a lazy corrupt man who decides that gambling is a sport and ties up with Drug Dealers who want to invest money in casinos.
Meanwhile:
Shiva is an honest cop who pays for his chai and paan even though he doesn’t consume either. (Several people leave him cash for chai-paani)
His main grouse is against gamblers of all kinds. This is because all through his adolescence, his father, a tabla player, would lose at gambling and then practice his version of the teen mar on him (not the percussion rhythm, the practice of hitting teenagers)
Shiva gets an intelligence report from a stool pigeon in Shirke’s offices that Shirke has connections with Drug Dealers.
Shiva gets riled when he hears mention of Drug Dealers, because of his aversion to gambling and Dealers of all kinds.
Thus starts his war against the Dealer cartel. When he arrests 37 car dealers on basis of their visiting cards, he gets demoted.
His girlfriend, Nisha Kothari, a yellow journalist promises to put him in touch with someone who can help.
Enter Karriappan. Karriappan runs a Dvd piracy cartel. He has problems communicating with people because his entire vocabulary is in the language of Film. His driver never understands when he asks to rewind (reverse) the car and gets fined by the police twice for parallel parking.
In spite of these troubles, he runs a professional Dvd piracy outfit called
“Pirates of the Karriappan”. Being a bit of a pervert, all the women on his team have cards that say “Privates of the Karriappan”. This is his second favourite joke. (His favourite is – What is the difference between Mallika Sherawat and RGV? One has a lot to show, while the other has a lot to say.)
No one except Nisha Kothari has ever laughed at either of these and he is forever indebted to her. Nisha is actually a great actress who manages to convince Karriappan that she was laughing with and not at him.
Shiva meets Karriappan to discuss strategies to get at the Drug Dealers. Karriappan gives him box sets of Karan Johar movies that will compel the Dealers to fall in love amidst blossoms and sunflowers. He also tells Shiva that he could have a bright future as an actor and that he must prepare himself for an actor’s life. In the Interrogation Chamber Shiva starts focussing the lights on himself. This foxes all the criminals he interrogates and they confess to crimes they haven’t committed. Shiva thus solves 27% of the cases in Indian criminal courts in 14 days. This is a better record than any policeman in fiction and he gets rewarded with a trip to Brindavan Gardens.
All the Drug Dealers are there with bouquets in hand romancing Nisha Kothari who is now enjoying her work as a fulltime stool pigeon, instead of churning out crap for yellow journals.
Shiva rounds up the drug dealers and they confess that though they have been shirking work at the casinos because of the box sets they received, this is actually a good thing. They give him evidence against Minister Shirke, who has also been shirking work, which, in his case, is not a good thing.
Shirke is jailed. The Drug Dealers become Drug Lords when they get knighted for no reason, thus ending Shiva’s war with them. Nisha Kothari falls off a stool and gets fired because as a stool pigeon one really has to stay on the stool. She joins Karriappan’s team and he hands her a card that reads “Privates of the Karriappan”.
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
Disclaimer: Characters in the above story are not based on any characters in the film. Any resemblance or humour is pure luck.
Preview - Naksha
OBJECTS in the PREVIEW MIRROR*
PRESENTS, today’s release Naksha – Unlock the mystery? OR Funhouse Mirror Tales
Jackie Shroff is a very irritated man. He can never get a good shave or a haircut since every mirror he finds is imperfect. Some mirrors flatter his person while others bloat his face up or distort his body. He is tired for he can’t answer the question ‘What do I look like? Am I fat? ’ This is killing him, as answering this question, is an essential step towards answering other philosophical questions like ‘Who am I?’ (No, not the Jackie Chan movie, the philosophical question)
He decides to stop looking at mirrors and hence doesn’t get a shave or a haircut for 17 months.
He is an archeologist, but can’t spell to save his life. His card, hence, reads,
JS – Archieologist. Combined with his unkempt appearance, passing his card around causes people to guffaw, usually with derisive rejoinders, usually Archie comic rejoinders.
JS, a suffering neurotic, with a very dangerous case of split ends, is at wits end. His obsession with finding out the answer to the question reaches a crescendo when someone mentions Archie comics at his nephew’s school and he cracks. Once cracked, he decides to find the legendary mirror that was once owned by Snow White’s aunt. This mythical mirror is supposed to be perfect and comes with a bonus CD which makes the mirror speak ( It is not known if the Mirror is a great conversationalist though ). JS has heard of a map which, well, maps out the route to take to get to the Mirror.
What he doesn’t know is that there is a map which maps out the route to take to get to the map itself. This map is with a traffic cop called Inspector Allosius. Inspector Allosius is a shy, part malayalee, officer of the law who has recently been demoted from a crime branch cop to a traffic cop. This happens because he solves some high profile cases and when the heat is on the powerful criminals, they go at him hammer and tongs and get him demoted. As a traffic cop Allosius is having a terrible time as he is shy and hence can’t give anyone directions on time. He is, though, very respected in little Danbolim as he is the only one who has read anything connected to philosophy. No one knows that he has only read Sophie’s World and actually thinks “Locke, Kant, Marx and Hegel” are words in the English language. This is demonstrated when he says “Please, you Kant Hegel (can’t haggle). That Marx (mark) shows that you crossed on to the wrong lane. Any more and I’ll have you under Locke (lock) and key!”
Sunny Deol and Viveik Oberoi are brothers, but step brothers. They have different fathers, hence different surnames. Sameera Reddy also has a different surname but is not related to the deol-oberoi brothers. They play college kids who are lost. This is because they have a car. And a map.
Two men, a girl, a map and a car.
I rest my case. They are lost.
And they are all pretty riled up, blaming each other for being lost, while not singing barely melodious songs to atrocious dancing by one of the deol-oberoi brothers.
As JS passes them they are shouting at each other “Go look at yourself in the Mirror. Can’t even read the map that we have!!!” JS, having Locke-d himself away from society for so long , does not understand the sarcasm in the statement and decides that he must steal the map from them.
What ensues is a whole load of action packed car chases and confrontations between Deol and JS, memorable among which is this exchange:
JS – I’m an Archieologist! Gimme the map.
Deol – So what if you are an Archieologist, I watched Mahabharat and Ramayan on Television.
After taking a couple of wrong turns everyone involved ends up at little Danbolim town. They stop at the junction to ask for directions and meet Allosius.
Deol - Hallo.
Allosius – Not Allo, my name is Allosius, sir.
Deol – Can you give us directions to Bangalore?
Allosius – (mumbles incoherently)
Deol – (screams) Can you give us a good map?
Allosius – (hesitantly) All I have is a map to a map
JS – Well that is it!! Give it to me!
JS follows directions and finds the Mirror. The Mirror is really old and looks like it has hitchhiked across the world. The bonus CD is all scratched up, but when JS looks into the mirror it answers that famous question about life, the universe and everything and says, in a loud, booming voice : 42
JS, appalled at his own girth, waists no time and rushes to VCLC to lose weight. They cut his hair off and immediately charge him for 5 kilos of weight loss.
Sunny Deol goes on to manufacture a sunny smelling Deo called Sunny Deo. Viviek gets busy marrying Sameera Reddy, but receives too many phone calls and gives up.
Ps: Allosius gets reinstated as a Crime Branch cop when he, unwittingly, directs some infamous criminals to the Police Station.
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
PRESENTS, today’s release Naksha – Unlock the mystery? OR Funhouse Mirror Tales
Jackie Shroff is a very irritated man. He can never get a good shave or a haircut since every mirror he finds is imperfect. Some mirrors flatter his person while others bloat his face up or distort his body. He is tired for he can’t answer the question ‘What do I look like? Am I fat? ’ This is killing him, as answering this question, is an essential step towards answering other philosophical questions like ‘Who am I?’ (No, not the Jackie Chan movie, the philosophical question)
He decides to stop looking at mirrors and hence doesn’t get a shave or a haircut for 17 months.
He is an archeologist, but can’t spell to save his life. His card, hence, reads,
JS – Archieologist. Combined with his unkempt appearance, passing his card around causes people to guffaw, usually with derisive rejoinders, usually Archie comic rejoinders.
JS, a suffering neurotic, with a very dangerous case of split ends, is at wits end. His obsession with finding out the answer to the question reaches a crescendo when someone mentions Archie comics at his nephew’s school and he cracks. Once cracked, he decides to find the legendary mirror that was once owned by Snow White’s aunt. This mythical mirror is supposed to be perfect and comes with a bonus CD which makes the mirror speak ( It is not known if the Mirror is a great conversationalist though ). JS has heard of a map which, well, maps out the route to take to get to the Mirror.
What he doesn’t know is that there is a map which maps out the route to take to get to the map itself. This map is with a traffic cop called Inspector Allosius. Inspector Allosius is a shy, part malayalee, officer of the law who has recently been demoted from a crime branch cop to a traffic cop. This happens because he solves some high profile cases and when the heat is on the powerful criminals, they go at him hammer and tongs and get him demoted. As a traffic cop Allosius is having a terrible time as he is shy and hence can’t give anyone directions on time. He is, though, very respected in little Danbolim as he is the only one who has read anything connected to philosophy. No one knows that he has only read Sophie’s World and actually thinks “Locke, Kant, Marx and Hegel” are words in the English language. This is demonstrated when he says “Please, you Kant Hegel (can’t haggle). That Marx (mark) shows that you crossed on to the wrong lane. Any more and I’ll have you under Locke (lock) and key!”
Sunny Deol and Viveik Oberoi are brothers, but step brothers. They have different fathers, hence different surnames. Sameera Reddy also has a different surname but is not related to the deol-oberoi brothers. They play college kids who are lost. This is because they have a car. And a map.
Two men, a girl, a map and a car.
I rest my case. They are lost.
And they are all pretty riled up, blaming each other for being lost, while not singing barely melodious songs to atrocious dancing by one of the deol-oberoi brothers.
As JS passes them they are shouting at each other “Go look at yourself in the Mirror. Can’t even read the map that we have!!!” JS, having Locke-d himself away from society for so long , does not understand the sarcasm in the statement and decides that he must steal the map from them.
What ensues is a whole load of action packed car chases and confrontations between Deol and JS, memorable among which is this exchange:
JS – I’m an Archieologist! Gimme the map.
Deol – So what if you are an Archieologist, I watched Mahabharat and Ramayan on Television.
After taking a couple of wrong turns everyone involved ends up at little Danbolim town. They stop at the junction to ask for directions and meet Allosius.
Deol - Hallo.
Allosius – Not Allo, my name is Allosius, sir.
Deol – Can you give us directions to Bangalore?
Allosius – (mumbles incoherently)
Deol – (screams) Can you give us a good map?
Allosius – (hesitantly) All I have is a map to a map
JS – Well that is it!! Give it to me!
JS follows directions and finds the Mirror. The Mirror is really old and looks like it has hitchhiked across the world. The bonus CD is all scratched up, but when JS looks into the mirror it answers that famous question about life, the universe and everything and says, in a loud, booming voice : 42
JS, appalled at his own girth, waists no time and rushes to VCLC to lose weight. They cut his hair off and immediately charge him for 5 kilos of weight loss.
Sunny Deol goes on to manufacture a sunny smelling Deo called Sunny Deo. Viviek gets busy marrying Sameera Reddy, but receives too many phone calls and gives up.
Ps: Allosius gets reinstated as a Crime Branch cop when he, unwittingly, directs some infamous criminals to the Police Station.
* Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.
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