Superman Returns - Preview

This is a preview to Superman Returns that I wrote a week before it released in India. It was sent to the publisher of a small Bangalore based paper that I will be doing Previews for. Previews in this vein.
The paper turns Daily next month from its present weekly format. My article will appear every Friday. Yes, theyve made a big mistake.


Objects in the Preview Mirror

Superman Returns - But from Where??


Lex Luthor is a happy man. Insanely happy. He considers changing his name to Lux Lather as a tribute to his diabolical world domination plan, but fails to get the Gazette Office on phone.The plan involves stolen crystals from the Fortress of Solitude - Detergent used on Planet Krypton which Kal-el's mother packed for him surreptitiously in case Kal-el needed a clean white shirt. The gravity on Earth combined with the ultraviolet rays from our yellow Sun have the same effect on the detergent as on Superman. One crystal can make an entire lake foam. Lex Luthor plans to hold the water resources of the world to ransom as he,with the 17 super value packs of super-detergent he has, can make the oceans of the Earth foam. The thought leaves Lex foaming at the mouth and his ugly henchwoman gives him mouth to mouth resuscitation which makes him further ill. He recovers though when his henchmen recount glowing tales of how he sent Superman away in the first place.

Previewers note: Superman on his home planet Krypton was called Kal-el. The super detergent was called detergent and his mother was called Mother.

Lois Lane is a happy woman. Happy Homestead Happy.Her husband considers changing her name to Lois Six Lane Highway as a telling comment on her weight gain in the last five years but Lois gets through to the Liposuction clinic before he can reach the Gazette office on phone.She loses a 100 pounds and then hits the gym with a vengeance. Unfortunately she hits the gym instructor with a 100 pound weight and has to leave the gym. As she is leaving she runs into the man who runs a Botox clinic next door who tells her that Botox is better than the gym for her wrinkles just like Liposuction was better than the Slim Sauna Belt. She gets back home to find her husband still trying the Gazette office. She reminds him that it is a Sunday and one can hardly expect the Government to work on a weekend when they are tired from not working all week, especially with the government exchange program they have with the Govt of Karnataka. He agrees and they head out to catch the latest Batman movie 'Batman Begins to Get Lucky'.

Perry White and Jimmy Olsen are two really happy dudes. Perry White considers changing the name of his newspaper, The Daily Planet, to ‘Very White’ as a tribute to his very successful detergent brand ‘Very White’, but cant get through to the Gazette Office.Jimmy Olsen considers picking up the phone at the Gazette Office ,where he has been employed for five years now, but decides not to.

Previewers note: The Perry White and Jimmy Olsen subplots are underdeveloped.

Where has Supe been all this while.? Cut to the backstory of how Lex Luthor sent him away:

Lex Luthor floats a rumour while on vacation on his yacht in the Caribbean that Superman or Kal-el was not born on Krytpon but in Cal-cutta and hence the name Kal-el. Also that The Fortress of Solitude was actually The Fortress of Solitude for the World from Superman and all its multimedia was built by the CIA including the Jor-el images that were actually of a major Hollywood actor called Marlon Brando. He also feeds this rumour by
releasing on the black-market an Indian Documentary called 'Hum kisi se Kam nahi' starring then unknown actors Akshay and Suneil, involving the story of how Colonel Chikara looked for a rare Indian green cheese called 'Krypton'. After viewing this documentary Supe is convinced of his Calcutta origins and flies of in search of his roots. He spends ages looking for his roots, which are difficult to find, owing to the fact that he isn't a plant.

Previewers note: This backstory is played at superspeed and it is likely that you will miss the details

Cut to Present day:

Superman is a struggling actor in Kollywood called Kalel Bose. He has grown a stubble and wears his cape as a chadar a la Guru Dutt in Pyaasa. He has no work as regular heroes in regional films jump over tall buildings and fight 74 villains at once with ease. He has also been rejected as a journalist in Calcutta as he does not read bengali and, more importantly, doesn't own a jhola. He spends his time eyeing all the doe eyed bengali women aided by Supervision.

Cut to Metropolis, which is a hot bed of crime especially on the Metrorail where they need a lot of polis..er police.On the Metro a Scandinavian homosexual sells soup to meet men socially, or well, economically. His soup is always bad and his sales cry of 'Soups up' is usually met with exclamations of 'No good at all!!' from customers who taste his abominations.

In Calcutta there is a football match, a strike and an agitation to bring back Ganguly on. Superman, to pass time, decides to use superhearing to scan the airwaves. The first thing he picks up is 'Supes up to no good at all', several times over as the soup seller is having a field day on the Metro.
This worries Supe no end and he begins to think that Superman impostors are wrecking good old Metropolis. He decides to Return.

Hence Superman Returns from Calcutta.

The rest of the story revolves around how Supe foils Lex Luthor by flinging all the super detergent into space, thereby creating 17 new galaxies where living things are foam-based instead of the standard issue carbon based lifeforms we are familiar with. This means they live really slippery lives and several beings make their millions selling grip products like Velcro.
There is also a subplot as to how Supe is no longer attracted to slim and pretty Lois Lane as he now yearns for buxom Bengali girls with lovely doe eyes.
Things slowly fall back in place for our intrepid superhero though and he does his routine of saving the world from certain destruction several times over.
Now if only Jimmy Olsen picked up his calls !!


ps: Calcutta was renamed Kol-katta to pay homage to the years Supe spent there.


Disclaimer: Objects in the Preview Mirror may appear sillier than they are.